carved angel

there are so many things i could or should be doing right now, and i just won't. i feel too weak to do anything. i haven't worked out in a couple of days, coz i feel so blech. i keep getting sick. maybe i'll try to go work out... i have to do something.

i think i'm kind of depressed today. i keep seeing things that make me think of my mum.

i hate this feeling, though. it seems like i can barely lift my arms to type. while i was eating my ramen, my hands kept shaking. i just feel really tired. i probably didn't sleep enough last night.

i don't even know why i'm blogging this...

hoping to get something out, i guess.

like that everything's so boring now. shadow has been put on the same diet i'm on because of reflux or something, so i've been cheating like mad whenever he's not around. because i am so through dieting for now. (thanks to working out, i drank a 20 oz fanta and ate starburst and m&ms tuesday with no weight gain at all. but maybe that's why i feel like crap.)

and i keep eating stuff like ramen, but now i'm not working out, so i guess i'd better start doing that. my metabolism is up, though, i can tell.

it looks like no one will be smuggling me my much desired cadbury easter candy, either. i've tried just about everything to get some mini eggs and creme eggs, but to no avail. last year, i had my parents buy some, then bring it to me during a visit. well, that's out this time. so i went to julie for help, but shadow thwarted that. and there's no way i'm asking my friends for a ride somewhere just to buy candy. gar. if only i could go grocery shopping alone again. maybe i can talk him into just dropping me off this week... probably not. he hates shopping, but he goes anyway just to make sure things like this don't happen. and makes me miserable the whole time, bitching about everything i put into the cart and taking half of it out as we go through the store. (ever wonder why you see a bag of apples in the cereal aisle? my thoughtless husband probably left it there.) the end result is typically that i'm short about a half-week of lunches and have no snacks. and i certainly don't have easter candy. i can't buy it online, either, coz he's been watching the bank balance like a freaking hawk. which is probably why i would've been in trouble with the julie plan anyway, but at least i'd already have the goods. bloody hell. i never thought i'd be in a situation where i couldn't just buy some candy when i wanted it.

also, i can't buy a replacement compact, which i'm going to need pretty soon, as the powder is almost completely gone. i can't fault him that too much, though, as it's $25 a pop. though i do make it last about a year. what i really want, though, is a new dress to wear to the jessica/ryan wedding, and to church this sunday. i don't celebrate easter, and i don't think the church really does either, but if i'm going to be going to church on easter sunday, it's ingrained in me that i need a new dress for it. it's not like i was going to buy it at macy's or anything, either. i asked to go to burlington coat factory. i found this awesome faux snakeskin dress there once for like $10, but couldn't buy it at the time. not that that's what i'd buy this time. oh well. and i need new shoes, too, from payless, of course. but fuck that, too. i think he needs some new clothes as well, but we typically spend about $50/year on clothes, each. (meaning that i only have three pairs of pants, one of which was given to me by his dad since i got seven-layer dip all over the ones i was wearing.)

i didn't really mean to turn this into some kind of rant, but that seems to be about all i'm capable of now.

i was thinking i'd start reflecting on sunday's sermons, though, and maybe share my reflections here. since shadow either doesn't care or disagrees with just about anything i say anymore. you would think that two people that pretty much agree on everything wouldn't have that much to argue about, ne? ha!

oh, and there's a buddhist fellowship at church on wednesdays that i can't freaking go to coz of school. since all i have to take next semester is electives, i'm totally going to take everything online, so i don't have to miss any of the neat stuff the church has been doing for the evenings.

well, i was going to start talking about something else, but i think i should try to get a nap in before school. i don't think i could get through a workout right now...