carved angel

sohei is getting impatient, so here's the link to my new blog. i'll apologize later for making you change your links yet again.

i finally have my site set up on wordpress. all that's left is some minor tweaking, i think. it's freakin' sweet. it will be hard waiting til new year's to start using it. of course, it's looking like i'll have to perhaps do a separate theme for explorer users, since a couple of things aren't working when viewed with that browser. so i guess it's just as well that i have to wait. but i'm actually really liking wordpress. i can have private entries that only certain viewers can read, switchable themes, categories, etc. i still need to figure out how to implement the theme switcher, and how to set privacy levels, but i think it'll be fine. oh, and i'm sorry that the site looks bloody awful right now, but i was using it to test some things. the new layout will look nice at any size, though, for once.

it's been pretty boring around here, lately, but i don't think there's been a whole lot going on, anyway. except political stuff, and i don't feel like foaming at the mouth just now.

well, let's see if this actually posts. i tried to post on friday, and it didn't work. stupid blogger. i'm getting annoyed with blogging, in general, if you haven't noticed by my lack of posts. it was my intention to switch to b2 evolution and launch my new blog on january 1. but everyone i talked to on their "support" forums was a total dick. which is why i'm no longer going to use their software. so i'm trying to use wordpress. yes, again. i'm actually having better luck with it than usual, but it's still giving me problems, and no one on the forums is helping. at all. sure, they're not being assholes, like the people over at b2, but if i can't get my blog set up, it's not really going to be very useful, is it? i'm just kind of sick of messing with it at this point, and it's beginning to look like, no matter what i choose to do, none of it will be ready by january 1. which is an arbitrary date, but i'd really like to just have everything set up, so i can just freaking blog.

and i don't really feel like talking about anything else right now.

maybe it's because i'm rather depressed today, or in a weird mood, but reading this brought me as close to tears as i'm comfortable being at work. (if i were at home, however, i think i would have actually cried.) just mind-blowing.

i finished all my school work yesterday, after working my ass off for over a week. so you'd think i wouldn't be stressed right now, right?

hahahahaha...

i just learned, this morning, that i have a meeting at church tonight, and they want the case statement and, presumably, some kind of sample of the brochure. have i written the case statement? no. do i have anything tangible to give them for the brochure? no. in fact, i just got my subcommittee together last week to start on that, so at least i've gotten somewhere. kind of.

so that leaves me this afternoon to come up with something decent for the case statement, when i'm not even entirely sure what i'm supposed to be doing. for some perspective, i think the finished case statement was due on november 7. so, yeah.

between school and church and the perpetual shit that goes on in my marriage (now! with holiday/law school application stress!) i want to just disappear. i want to be completely and totally alone, until my sanity comes creeping back. that includes my beloved animals, who have been literally whining incessantly since i got home from work. not exactly conducive to trying to write an impossible document which is due in a few hours' time.

i can't even describe how stressed out i am right now. i just want the world to go away for a while.

i know it's wrong, but i think the still captured here is really cute. okay, i'll be going to hell now. i just can't hate laura. she's a fellow librarian, and while she can give off a creepy vibe sometimes, i kind of feel sorry for her. i don't think she's nearly as evil as her husband or his crazy mother. talk about nasty in-laws... poor woman.

[music|tum bin shayam - dj cheb i sabbah]

just checking in. coz i'm supposed to be finishing my paper.

i took my first sick day today. technically, i don't get sick days, so this makes me nervous. but there is no way i could've made it through work today with my stomach behaving like it was. this wasn't my usual ibs, either, or the meds would've worked for it. around 2 this morning, i was dreaming about something - don't remember what - when, in my dream, my stomach started making these awful noises, and i felt like i was going to be sick. well, the noises were real, and loud enough to actually wake me up. i stared stupidly at my gut for a few seconds, realized i wasn't still dreaming, and dashed to the bathroom. :sick:

so, anyway, i also dreamt that i was on a plane, which crashed right into the ocean. and have just learned that juchan is flying to new orleans today. so i'm a bit nervous and will be calling her shortly.

after i get back from being sick again. excuse me.

[music|the guitar - they might be giants]

weather pixie is back! w00t. but you can't actually see it on my site because blogger won't publish any changes to my template. well fuck you, blogger. i'm totally breaking up with you soon, and i'm really glad, you big, stupid dummy. jerk.

[music|maname diname - dj cheb i sabbah]

Your 2005 Song Is

Feel Good Inc by Gorillaz "Love forever love is free. Let's turn forever you and me." In 2005, you were loving life and feeling no pain.

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

[tv|food network]

what i'm supposed to be doing: working on one of two term papers or one of two projects or my church stuff.

what i'm going to do: go to bed and continue reading the jungle.

because i'm really tired, and my back hurts so badly today that it was actually going into weird spasms at work. so, once again, i say suck it, world.

oh, and i'm pretty much set to begin blogging with new software as of january 1, like i planned. i'm going to do a couple more backgrounds, but aside from that, i think the hard stuff is done. because i do my best web work when i'm supposed to be doing just about anything else. (i fixed my layout in firefox, btw, i'm just too lazy to do it over here.)

and i never mentioned it, coz i was waiting for juchan to blog about it, but her trip to nc for thanksgiving seemed to go well. apparently, our stepbrother (omg, i have a brother) has pictures of us on his cell phone. or ipod. i forget. anyway, juchan and i were touched but mortified, because they were the really awful pics dad took of us when we went to the timeshare in august. still, i think that's about the sweetest thing ever. i can't wait to meet him. i don't think i've said much about him here, but he's 15, i think, and likes playing basketball. and video games. and that's all i know. (yes, it is a bit odd to have a mom and brother you know absolutely nothing about. well, juchan does, lucky jerk. haha j/k)

and brumby's going to the vet tomorrow for his last vaccine and to get fixed. i'm rather worried about my baby dog going under the knife, even if it is standard procedure. so wish him well, please? and i'm not looking forward to being without him for a day, either, coz he has to stay the night. mehhhh my poor little brum-brum... at least he's over his cough. dunno whether i mentioned that or not...

okay, i'm going to bed.

[music|neon wilderness - the verve]

i know i haven't been updating much. i'm just incredibly busy, and all i'd do is whine anyway. it's not damn good times around here again, which i'm sure you gathered from my previous post. it sounds silly, but i was thinking today how nice it would be to have an ultra-secret blog somewhere and only tell certain people. but i tried that before, and sohei found it anyway. i'm also thinking that when things slow down a bit, i'm going to clean out my computer and cpanel account. what a mess. what i'd really like is to just start over with a clean slate. you know, i might just do that for the new year... i do like the layout i have, but i just can't figure out how to make it work in firefox. but, really, i want to delete just about everything in my account and start over. i may even try new blog software. who knows? not me.

anyway, i can't do anything fun like play my new sims expansion or blog when there's a bunch of stupid, crappy work to be done. stupid finals time.

apparently, i'm irritating. i don't know what it is about me that is the most irritating, though... maybe it's the way i constantly fawn over him and compliment him. maybe it's the way i ask him all the time if everything's alright, or how i ask for permission before i ever do anything. or it could be the way i paste a smile on my face even when i'm feeling like shit inside, because i'm especially irritating when i'm mopey. sure, i could stop doing all that, but i'm also irritating when i sing or joke or talk or sometimes even breathe. (like his breath is minty fresh first thing in the morning.) because, as we all know, i can't do a damn thing right. i am always, always wrong. to the very core of my being. everything i think or say or do is wrong. my beliefs are wrong. the way i feel about other people is wrong. ever feeling an iota of pride is wrong. no matter what i do, i'm stupid. or weird or lame or unpleasant in some way. i am so, so tired of trying to make every asshole i know, happy. i'm tired of deferring. to my dad, to my husband, to everyone. no one respects me, and trying to be polite and friendly hasn't gotten me anywhere. i'm sick of gritting my teeth while my bowels tie themselves in knots. i still don't know how to make people respect me, but i'm sick of trying. i'd rather just make myself happy and tell everyone else to go to hell. who cares if i don't earn any friends that way? i don't have any, anyway, do i? my being nice doesn't make anyone happy. in fact, it irritates everyone. so why bother? if everyone thinks i'm an irritating bitch now, they ain't seen nothing yet...

oh, by the way, happy fucking thanksgiving.

[tv|food network]

i know i haven't updated a lot lately, but there have been some things i wasn't even allowed to talk about til now. so here's the past few days, in a nutshell:

on friday, i wrote a pretty good article for the church newsletter.

on saturday, i went to the peak oil conference. it was really cool. but it would've been better if some people hadn't wasted the question time on bragging about their hybrid cars and how many miles they get to the gallon. you're teh awesome, we know. then i came home and did schoolwork, and we took brumby to the dog park.

then on sunday i did nothing, and it was good.

and today i went to work and did stuff. and kept playing gopets, which i've been playing since sunday and is the shizznite. (my name on there is gish, duh. so friend me.)

and my dad is getting married tomorrow. i'm not even going to talk about it.

i'm so tired of keeping secrets and trying to be good and letting people do whatever they want and just sitting there. everyone just gets mad at me anyway, and everyone sucks.

so to end this lovely post, i'll just put in something i wrote the other day, coz i don't feel like writing like i thought i did.

I’m writing from work. I was actually going to blog from work, but I forgot my password. Go me. Yeah, not really the best idea, but I feel like if I don’t get some of my thoughts out, I’m going to go crazy…

I’ve been afraid lately. After everything that’s happened in the past year or so, I feel like I’m taking it all too well. I’m afraid that one day, it’s going to all cave in and I’m going to completely lose it. I didn’t get any real help after mum died, nor after Jason’s suicide. I have to wonder if I’m in some sort of denial. Or maybe people don’t really need to go to a shrink when they have a real reason to be sad. I don’t see how talking to a stranger about any of this would make me feel any better or more sane. Maybe I’m just really heartless. I always saw myself as someone with a rather sensitive nature, but I began to question that after Jason killed himself. I’m supposed to feel guilty, right? I’m not supposed to just go on about my daily business as though I hadn’t anything to do with it. I’m not supposed to feel happy or at peace, am I? (Not that I’m happy that he’s dead, I just mean in general.)

So is this all going to come crashing down someday? Will I realize the gravity of it all? What will happen then? Or am I just really callous? I know I should be over what happened to mum by now, but I feel like I got over it too quickly. When I actually stop and think about it, I get pretty upset. Which is what frightens me. Have I not thought about it enough? Have I been so busy with life that the minute I actually stop and think, I’ll go crazy?

I’ve just been so happy since I got this job. It feels like life is finally starting to work out a little. But there’s this feeling like something heavy and terrible is hanging over my head, and when I least expect it, it’s going to fall and crush me. I want to just enjoy being happy for once, but for various reasons, I can’t. I know it doesn’t make sense to go around worrying if you should be worried about something. And I think I’ll try harder not to. I guess if I do lose it, I’ll just worry about it then.

why, yes, i am overwhelmed with things to do. how could you tell?

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times. Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness! Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

Your Nail Polish Color is Black

How you're unique: There's nothing about you that isn't unique Why your style rocks: You are a total indie chick... and you can pull it off What this color says about you: "I'm a trendsetter and don't care what anyone else is doing!"

He's Not Even Swimming in Your Pond

Even though you may have feelings to this guy, he has no ties to you. You'll never get more than a casual fling from him - even if he tells you otherwise. His thoughtless actions speak louder than his sweet words!

ouch.

You Are Downtown

You're a funky spirit that requires freedom to live. Your city girl persona needs adventure, diversity, and great pizza.

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist. People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you. You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words. Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

You Can Hang With the Guys and the Girls

You've struck a good balance between girlie and laid back. You can keep it casual but when you dress up, you are as girly as the next girl.

You Belong in Rome

You're a big city girl with a small town heart Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?

This Fall, You Should Wear

A Punk Rock Bag

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

oh i know men. and i hate them.

You Are a Passionate Kisser

You are the most likely type to kiss a sexy stranger Your kissing style is unpredictable and free spirited You could kiss anyone at a drop of a hat It's all about where your passion leads you

Your Fashion Style is Urban

You've got a style all your own... and it works Not too trendy, not too freaky - you've got streetwear down to a science You always look cute and put together, but keep it comfortable too You're the type of girl that creates trends and inspires others to be funky

Your Celebrity Style Twin is Gwen Stefani

Trendsetting, unique, and stylish.

Men See You As Playful

Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate You know how to push men's buttons and attract a wide range of guys You enjoy living and loving - it's one of your most attractive qualities Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that!

You're Part Diva

You know that a girl's gotta work it to get her way in the world. And while you aren't about to throw a tantrum at every turn... You do amp up the drama when you know you need it. You mix charm, honesty, and kindness to get ahead.

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

Your Inner Retro Girl Is

1980s Goth Girl

Your Scent is Pumpkin Pie

Warm, comforting, and a bit old fashioned You've got what men want - believe it or not!

if you're in a bad mood or don't otherwise want to share an annoying sort of joy, please don't read this post.

i love bear.
i love my family.
i love my pets. (not in that way -- i'm not rick santorum.)
i love my family's pets. (welcome home, gikun.)
i love my job.
i love my boss. (again, not in that way.)
i love my co-workers.
i love (most of) the students.
i love karma.
i love being able to drive.
i love being alive.
i love my house.
i love holidays.
i love my church.
i love sleeping.
i love eating good food.
i love...
...that the world can be a terrible place, but there's always some good, too.
i love balance; life, the universe, and everything.
even when the scales aren't tipped in my favor.

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out. When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. Your flirting style: Laid back Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm What you bring to relationships: Balance

i don't even know what to say. he's been one of my favorite wrestlers since i started watching years ago. rest in peace, eddie.

[tv|camp lazlo - cartoon network]

so ends my first full week of work. boss one and i had a good time today. he invited me to thanksgiving, too, which was really sweet of him. he wanted the whole library crew to drop by, but the two night girls had plans. and stupid sohei says we can't go. but i feel really badly for my boss, since he's so far from home and doesn't have anyone to spend the holiday with. so i asked sohei if he could just join us for whatever we're doing, but he said no to that, too. poor boss one. maybe we could do something the friday after and sohei can just suck it. i don't know why sohei is always suspicious about guys when i like girls a lot better most of the time. i guess he doesn't like anyone i hang out with...

so, yeah, that's all for now.

i know i said i wasn't going to blog about work, but if i didn't, what else would i talk about? my life recently is school, work, church, so... yeah. that's all for it.

anyway, i still love my job. though something odd happened today. this lady, i guess she was a faculty member, came into the library a couple of times, and bitched out the students about getting back to class. and both times, the students she was bothering were black girls. in fact, one of the girls said, "it's always the black girl who gets in trouble." then the girl assured me she was kidding, which i guess means that now i am among those that can be considered "the man." :sick: sohei keeps telling me how professional i look, and i think he likes it. i do, a bit, but i just keep feeling like i'm playing dress-up. and i want to wear my lip ring all the time. anyway... so then the lady comes up to my desk and says, "so are you actually doing work, or just playing?" i gave her a second to tell me she was just joking, and when she didn't, i said, "um, it's for school. i'm doing homework." which i was, not that it was any of her damn business. :annoyed: but when i responded to one of my boss' emails this evening, i told him about it, and he said he'd take care of it. so that's good, i guess.

i really actually have two bosses, and i'm not good with the nickname thing, so i'll call them boss one and boss two. boss one will be the younger guy, since i interract with him more, and boss two will be the older guy. not that you care. maybe i'll come up with nicknames eventually...

so work has been good. and school has been crazy. and i have so much to do regarding church that i'm going to keel over and die. the thing is, i know that school and work should be my first priority. but i've been entrusted with some pretty important stuff on my church committee, and, as usual, i feel like i have something to prove. yes, the fat, punk-ass girl can actually accomplish things in a timely manner and do a damn good job of it. ya know?

sigh.

well, i have to go get ready for bed and all. boss one is going to be at work tomorrow, and i'm looking forward to chatting with him. at most of my old jobs, i would always wish i never had to see any of my bosses, but he's actually nice to be around. so.

oyasumi nasai.

[tv|ignoring]

man, i'm tired. :sleepy: i can't seem to get used to getting up at 7, no matter how early i go to bed. i just don't like getting up in the morning, i guess. so here's what i've been up to...

sunday was a beautiful day. we went to the book sale at church, and i bought stuff. i got: joy luck club, the jungle (sinclair), leaves of grass, japanese etiquette (circa 1955), and one hundred years of solitude. and i paid for the things i picked up on friday: ulysses and a how to speak arabic tape/book set. all for $6, including what sohei got. :happy: i love books. then we went to the mall and i got some new work clothes for pretty cheap: black skirt with lace on, two blouses, and a camisole. and then we took brumby to the dog park, which he quite enjoyed. everyone thinks he's very cute, including the two dogs that kept trying to mount him. :shocked: and it was just so nice outside. and we saw this girl there with her scottie, that we'd seen before at the pet store. which was neat.

and on monday and tuesday, my boss was at work to make sure i understood everything. i like talking to him coz he's so silly. and he's smart without being pompous, which is nice. duke of pickle! :lol: but today i was on my own. i think i did okay. and i'm learning to drive the route to work, and i almost have it down. i should have my license by the end of the month.

so i love my job, and everything's good, except for a problem i'm having with school. i didn't get my registration card for spring, so i didn't know it was time to sign up. then yesterday my boss mentioned he was signing up for classes at fsu, and i'm like, wtf? i'd better go look and see if i need to be doing that. and all the damn classes were full! :pissed: i don't know when i was supposed to be signing up, but i was obviously late. so i've been checking the schedule obsessively to see if anything's opened up. thankfully, i managed to swipe a class that someone dropped this morning, so that's one. but there are six required classes to get the degree, and i want to take at least one next semester. coz after this semester, i'll still have four left to take, and i want to get them out of the way. especially since summer is sparse with the classes.

anyway, i have to go get ready for my stewardship meeting. someone offered to give me a ride, which is nice coz i wouldn't be able to go, otherwise. sooo busy...

eleven years ago november 11, i met someone who would change my life. and not in an entirely good way. but he was a part of my history, and became a large part of who i am today. on november 11, he became my boyfriend and would be for about five months. that seemed like such a long time back then. and then something happened, and i didn't ever want to see him again. the experience changed me, and changed the way i looked at the world and other people, especially men. and he was more or less out of my life for ten years.

not long ago, he found his way back into it.

i told myself i forgave him for what he'd done. i thought i had gotten past it. but i guess i hadn't. and i lashed out at him in a way i have never done. i don't do that to people, ever. but my reaction was so visceral, and ten years of hate and hurt and fear and anger and disgust poured out of me. and i didn't hear back from him.

until october 30. he sent me a message saying he loved me, and i had helped him to see the light. he had always had a problem with those words: i love you. when we were together, he would only say ich liebe dich. but i didn't read the message until november 3.

the day he took his own life.

and by then it was too late to say anything. but what would i have said to that, anyway? i'm still not sure. to be honest, probably nothing. as it was, the message sat in my inbox for days, unread, in an account i seldom use. and i don't know how to feel about all of this. i have never known anyone that has done this, before. and i have never personally known anyone who died so young. (27) it was only a year ago that i lost my mother. and then at least i knew how i felt. there was no conflict, no regrets, no doubt. this time, i can't say the same. i know he made his own choice, but i also know what it feels like when you want to die. you sit there and list, in your head, all the reasons you have to die. how few reasons you have to live. and i can't help but feel that maybe i had contributed to that. my words helped make up that list of reasons that life wasn't worth living. and i know that it's selfish, but i value human life so much that the thought of having contributed, in any way, to the end of one... well. it's just overwhelming.

i can't tell you how i feel about all of this. or how i feel about him. i can't describe it, or put it into words. i'm not even sure, myself, half the time. but i do know that at least i've learned something. i will never again say to someone the sorts of things i said to him. i will not hold grudges, no matter the reason. this is something that will probably weigh on my conscience, to some extent, for the rest of my life. he was a lot of things to me. before things went so wrong, he had been my first love, and i, his. and then there was a long period of time during which i hated him, and then just general ambivalence.

but now he's gone. and it's not up to me to decide whether the world is better or worse off without him. and, unlike when mum died, i now know that all that has changed is that one wave has broken and another will rise in its place.

Arty Kid

Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique. You're probably a little less weird these days - but even more talented!

[music|convenience album - die warzau]

i really wanted to blog yesterday, but blogger was being a total pain.

anyway, my first day at work was yesterday. it was basically paid training. i've decided i'm not going to talk about work too awfully much on here, because i know that gets people into trouble sometimes. i have nothing but good things to say so far, but some companies don't like it no matter what. i didn't want to come out and ask, of course, because there's a chance no one will ever even find out about this place anyway. but i think i'm going to love this job, despite the low pay. my boss is really, really sweet and fun to talk to. we spent most of yesterday just chatting. and when he was showing me how to create a new account, he used the name harvey gigglefritz, and we laughed like sunshine for ages. maybe you had to be there. and i think we both answer to a bigger boss, who is also nice. he acts rather stern, but i know he's actually very pleasant. he reminds me of uncle steve. and the rest of the faculty i met were really sweet, too. this lady in the front office complimented me on my blouse, which was nice, because i wasn't entirely sure of it. and the students are great, too. everyone is just so pleasant, and the library itself is so quiet and tiny and cozy. i'm actually looking forward to going back on monday. the only other job i've ever looked forward to going to was the library job in gainesville. so, yeah, everything's good. :happy:

and this morning, sohei dropped me off at the mcdonalds near church so i could have some breakfast and hang out til i was supposed to show up. i had a sausage muffin, hashbrown, and small orange juice, and paid ten cents extra for the newspaper i like better. so i was kind of enjoying everything, and then this guy sits down at the table across from me and starts talking to himself. this kind of thing always happens to me, which is why i seldom go out by myself. he was young and looked perfectly normal, except that he kind of looked like he could snap and start a killing spree at any moment, muttering to himself. so i just got the hell out of there and showed up at the church about half an hour early. i saw the minister right away, and then met one of the nice office ladies. i love my church. and then everyone showed up and we got to work.

sohei has been in a foul mood all day, though, so i'm going to just skip anything to do with him.

and then i got home, and here i am. everything is so busy now. it's nice to have activities, but i'm so tired. i'm really no good at getting up early, and now i'm getting up at 7 every morning. a little before 7, actually. so i'm hoping i can get used to that. and i'm hoping i can get my license really soon, too, coz i'm getting really tired of having to be early for everything and wait around forever, and miss things i need to do. which reminds me, i need to find a ride to the stewardship meeting.

so many emails to send out today...

Maybe I'm inside
To cut the strings that bind us
Take the thing that holds us here
While it's beating

Maybe I'm beneath the skin
There's no way to go but down
To the ground beneath me
And we are all the same

And if you're the one to stop this roller coaster
Don't think that I'm an evil thing just that I was curious
And if you're the gun who puts me out of your way
Don't think that I'm an evil thing just that I was curious

curious - die warzau

[tv|ignoring]

the observation went pretty well last night, and i was almost sure i had the job. he said they'd call on wednesday afternoon or thursday, when i first got there. by the time i left, he said he'd definitely call wednesday afternoon. so he called this morning and said i got the job. he said i could have time to think about it before i accepted, but i said i totally wanted the job. so i'll be starting tomorrow. i'm still volunteering at church on friday, i guess. sohei said i was stupid to do that, but i didn't want to just leave them hanging, especially since no one else was really volunteering to do the book sale. sohei said i should have either told the church i couldn't do it, or tell my boss that i couldn't start til monday. but he seemed to want me to start tomorrow, so i didn't know what to do. but dad and sohei said not to worry about it now. so i guess i won't.

i can't believe i finally have a job... :yay:

[music|19-2000 - gorillaz]

i had yet another variation of my recurring dream last night. i think it's coz i spent about two hours on the phone with dad last night, talking about his girlfriend, while she and her son were at a church function. after i got off the phone with him, i told sohei about some of the things dad told me, and he was all negative as usual. he thinks what dad's doing is disrespectful to people like nana (mum's mum) and whatnot. but i don't think dad could do anything right as far as sohei's concerned. i really don't understand why he dislikes my father so damn much. dad is nothing but nice to him, and the way sohei treats him just embarrasses me sometimes. and of course he's already decided that he hates dad's girlfriend coz she's a fundie. well, fuck it. i'm just going to like her until she gives me a reason not to. the world can just suck it. (this is in no way directed at juchan, because it's her dad and she has every right to feel how she's going to feel about this. it's her business, just like how i feel is my business. but i'll always be there for her no matter what, because no one outranks juchan.)

by the way, my politcal compass is: Economic Left/Right: -8.63 Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -7.85

which means that i'm at the far left, lower section of the graph; a communist anarchist as it were. with gandhi, mandela, and the dalai lama. how about you?

anyway, i have to go get ready for faux-work. i'm going in to observe tonight.

ooh. die warzau's bodybag just came on, so i have to stick around til it's over.

i actually think i did well at this interview. and now i really want the job. :blush: but there are two other people that they're considering, so i have to wait til the end of the week to find out. the guy that did most of the interviewing was nice. he mentioned he was from iowa, and i said i was, too, and he was so excited to hear that. it really is rare to meet someone else from there, so it was pretty cool. i do think he liked me quite a bit, but it's up to his boss, too, so we'll see. i'll talk more about the whole thing later, maybe. i don't want him to google me before i get the job and find out what a weirdo i am... (hey, it could happen.)

[music|enjoy - bjork]

i've been having a rather disturbing recurring dream lately. it's kind of different each time, but the theme is similar, and i'm starting to feel like hamlet...

in these dreams, mum is still alive. (though she seemed rather more ghostly in the first one.) and dad has left her for his girlfriend. when these dreams first started, i mostly felt apologetic for being so nice about dad's girlfriend. mum would ask, almost accusingly, if i was okay with all this. and i would say that i had been, and i was sorry. then last night i dreamt that she was poor and living in this crappy house, and she needed some financial help, but dad was ignoring her. and i was really pissed off at him, because mum seemed so hurt that he'd left her for another woman, and then she had to live in this awful place. i always wake up feeling terrible, and then just feel off, and kind of sad, throughout the day.

i'm guessing that these dreams/nightmares stem from my feelings of guilt for being so okay with dad having a girlfriend already. the thing is, i don't see why not. it's not like mum is ever coming back. and whether you believe in heaven or reincarnation, i don't see how she would even care at this point. i've been second-guessing my feelings and reactions since she died a year ago, and it's still going on, in one way or another. i'm thinking it's because everyone's treating me like i'm naive for thinking this relationship is at all okay. so now i'm just second-guessing myself again. the thing is, if dad's really happy, i don't care about anything else. i'm not worried about my inheritance or mum being offended or anything. so these dreams just frustrate me, because i feel like they're coming from somewhere other than me.

anyway, i have to go get ready for the interview. i freaking hate interviews. i always screw them up somehow, so i get all worked up over nothing. maybe, though, since i don't really care if i get this job, the interview will go better. who knows? not me.

and before you yell at me for being so casual about this job, keep in mind that the pay is barely above minimum wage ($7/hr) and won't be a tremendous help in paying for school. besides, having to take a minimum wage job when you're a college graduate -- with additional vocational certification, no less -- is a little depressing. still, i'll give this a go. if nothing else, maybe everyone will finally leave me alone about being unemployed.

you know you don't have the right attitude when you're more worried about your piercing closing than you are about whether you get the job...

i just wrote this as a post to the bulletin board of one of my classes, and thought i'd share. the definitions in question are:

nigger: Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of earlier neger, from Middle French negre, from Spanish or Portuguese negro, from negro black, from Latin niger
1 usually offensive, see usage paragraph below : a black person
2 usually offensive, see usage paragraph below : a member of any dark-skinned race
3 : a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons
usage Nigger in senses 1 and 2 can be found in the works of such writers of the past as Joseph Conrad, Mark Twain, and Charles Dickens, but it now ranks as perhaps the most offensive and inflammatory racial slur in English. Its use by and among blacks is not always intended or taken as offensive, but, except in sense 3, it is otherwise a word expressive of racial hatred and bigotry.

mcjob: Function: noun
Date: 1986
: a low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little opportunity for advancement

both definitions are via merriam-webster.

on to my post:

Since I'm white, I don't really feel that it's my place to say how offended people of another race are allowed to be, regarding a word that is used toward them in a derogatory way. Especially since the word carries a lot of emotional weight, historically.

I don't think that such words should be removed from the dictionary, however. Some words are hateful, but have been part of the English language for a long time. Not putting a word into the dictionary does not mean that the word no longer exists. We, as a country, spend entirely too much time ignoring our collective problem with race as it is, and I don't see how trying to delete or redefine offensive words will help the situation. Ignoring the race problem is not making it go away, and removing slurs from a dictionary isn't going to make people stop saying that word. The "n" word is offensive to a lot of people, as it was used during a particularaly shameful time in our history. But do we want to forget this time? I know a lot of people would like to, but a forgotten past is more likely to be repeated. It isn't as though Websters hasn't noted that the "n" word is a slur, and made it clear that the word is offensive. When we try to sanitize everything, it just makes it easier to forget what a nasty world this is sometimes. And if we just gloss over everything, will anything ever have a hope of being fixed?

Also, I'd like to point out that I can definitely see how the definition of "McJobs" could offend the people that work there. I did my time in a restaurant (though not McDonalds), and it was one of the hardest jobs I've ever had. It's true that the job didn't pay well, and there wasn't much chance of advancement, and I didn't particularly care, since it was just a summer job for me to get by. But I do think the definition has somewhat of an elitist ring to it. It's easy for people that have probably never worked at a physically taxing job a day in their life to be so flippant about something like that. Imagine what that definition must sound like to someone that will be working at a job like that for the rest of their life. Pretty depressing, huh?

The "n" word is offensive, and "McJob" can be considered offensive as well. They are disagreeable in different ways, to be sure. The "n" word has more history behind it, for one thing. But both words smack of elitist snark, and are derogatory. Yet both have a place in the dictionary as common parlance, and, if anything, to remind us that throughout history, belittling others has always been important to the human race.

posted by gish  # 10/29/2005 02:29:00 PM 2 comments

[radio|democracy now - wmnf 88.5]

well, fitzmas has begun. it feels so far like i've only gotten socks. but they're cool socks, like the baby phat ones with the kitties on. so all is not lost, but what about rove? and cheney? c'mon! i wanted a damn bratz house, not socks. even if they're cool socks.

waiting is hell...

[tv|i love the 80s - vh1]

according to the mash game on the bratz website, i'm going to marry kevin ogilvie, live in a mansion, be a mum, and drive a mini. sweet. :lol:

and we have interview! he called this morning and we talked on the phone for a bit regarding the job. i'll be going in to interview with him and another guy, next monday. :yay:

aside from that, this morning has been bloody awful. i took brumby out this morning, then brought him back in and gave him breakfast. i went back to bed, like i always do, and he started that weird noise he makes when he's soiled his bedding. (we've only put his bedding in his crate twice now, and both times he's soiled it. so no more bedding til he's housebroken.) so i go to look, and there's a piece of poo about a foot away from his crate. i was wondering how he managed to projectile-poo that far when i notice that there's plenty more, all over the floor of his crate. he shat on his towel, and i guess tried to bury the rest of it with his towel and toys. of course, he wouldn't sit still while i tried to clean it up, so out on the porch he went. he barked and made tons of noise while i threw his towel and cloth toy in the wash. (after removing as much poo as possible, of course.) then i had to clean his crate and hand-wash his non-cloth toys. damn good times.

then the power went out.

i had just put brumby back in his crate when the power went out. i kept trying to call sohei, but his phone was dead. so the power came back on, and i saw on the news that miers was withdrawing, which makes me happy. sohei, however, is suspicious.

and then the guy called about the job, and i was so harried, i thought he asked to speak to sohei. which confused the hell out of me, of course. so i sounded like an idiot to start with. i think i may sounded better over the course of the conversation, but who knows? not me.

anyway, i can't stay in here much longer coz it smells like dog crap, even though i cleaned the hell out of everything.

[tv|paula's home cooking - food network]

i've been reading a lot lately about the ds and some of the games available on it. as usual, sohei doesn't want me to get it. (he was pretty pissed when my parents gave me the gba i asked for as a birthday gift a few years back.) but that's not going to stop me from asking one of our parents for it for christmas. :nyah: there's a pink one out now, but it's a limited time thing. besides, i've heard from some people that it's ugly. the silver would prolly be better anyway, in case sohei decides he wants to use it. so, to prove to sohei that there are games i (and he) actually want on this system, and to remind me which games i want to look into, here is my nintendo ds wishlist:

advance wars: dual strike (sohei would prolly like this)
age of empires 2 (again, for sohei as well)
animal crossing ds
black and white creatures
dynasty warriors (for sohei)
electroplankton
final fantasy: crystal chronicles
harvest moon ds
lost in blue
monster rancher
new super mario bros.
nintendogs (lab version)
organizer plus (hey, this means i can stop begging sohei for a pda)
secret of mana
shogun warrior: real time conflict (for sohei)
sprung
super mario 64 ds
super princess peach
the sims 2
the urbz: sims in the city (maybe... already played it on a different system)
zoo tycoon

mind you, this list could be pared down after i read more about these games. there are other ones that i'd prolly like to rent, too. i've wanted the system since i found out that animal crossing was going to be on it, but i want it even more if it's going to have organizer software. i can't wait til christmas. :lol:

[tv|ignoring]

i got another email from school yesterday with a job listing. it's for a small nursing school nearby. for some reason, i didn't feel too excited about it yesterday, and didn't start on my resume til today. so i looked up the school and it's only a few miles from my house. and i think it's near sohei's work. i'd be working from 8 am through 1 pm, so it's part time. i have no idea how much it pays, but at this point, i don't care. so i was working on my resume, when i realized i'm probably way more qualified than most of my classmates, due to my medical transcription experience. so i'm stupidly allowing myself to get excited about my chances. who knows, though? maybe there are a lot of library students out there with medical vocational degrees. maybe one of them has a degree in nursing. many of them already have another masters degree, so why not? anyway, it's worth a shot. and i'm really hoping i get this, coz otherwise i don't know how i'll be paying for school next semester...

Soundtrack To Your Life
Opening Credits:	paranoid android - radiohead
Waking Up:	i wanna be sedated - ramones
Average Day:	6 underground - sneaker pimps
First Date:	happiness - front 242
Falling In Love:	hyper-ballad - bjork
Sex Scene:	cannibal song - ministry
Fight Scene:	still don't give a fuck - eminem
Breakup:	bleed - tapping the vein
Getting Back Together:	love song - jack off jill
Great Day:	today - smashing pumpkins
Horrible Day:	spasmolytic - skinny puppy
Mental Breakdown:	blackout - muse
Driving:	jesus built my hotrod - ministry
Figuring It Out The Hard Way:	curious - die warzau
Flashback:	here - mark saunders remix (gravity kills)
Partying:	naked eye - luscious jackson
Regretting:	tomorrow comes today - gorillaz
Long Night Alone:	flute song - cranes
Death Scene:	red hair whisper - rosewater elizabeth
Closing Credits:	just one fix - meg lee chin
Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

wow. it's kind of hard to make a decent sound track, ya know? there were so many songs i wanted to include... anyway, i think it's pretty fitting.

[radio|wmnf 88.5]

a quick recap of my weekend:

juchan arrived friday night, and we ate a kick-ass dinner. seriously, that was one of the best lasagnas i think i ever made. and we had garlic and cheese bread and salad and everything. which was good, coz the poor kids were starving. and then we went to the liquor store and got margarita fixins, and walked brumby, and watched sixteen candles, which i've never seen before. but i'm old and tired and we went to bed after that. (i am teh suck as a hostess.)

the next morning, juchan and i were chatting and playing with brumby, and deciding what to do for the day when gakun got a call from their roommates. apparently, juchan's cat, gigi, escaped through a window that the roommates had left open. you can imagine how they felt about that... so gakun and juchan left pretty quickly. i felt so terrible, imagining that poor kitty roaming around in all the storms we had over the weekend. thankfully, after much searching, gigi came back home and was found in a bush in the front yard on sunday morning. poor fellow. he'd been out in the rain and was soaked. but at least he's safe now. :happy:

and sohei had monday off, due to the possibility of a hurricane. but it didn't come here, and we had the best weather ever, so we took brumby to the park. there had been a cold front, and the sun was shining, and it was really windy. it was nice. and there were these kids there, and one of them ran around with brumby and went down the slide with him. the other kid was kind of afraid of him, though. it was very cute. i'm glad he likes kids so much, coz i was kind of afraid of having a dog that wouldn't get along with zoe.

so it was a pretty lazy weekend. gamefly sent sohei tales of symphonia (i think that's what it's called) and we've been playing that constantly. and i've been playing harvest moon on my gba during the travel/fight bits. i don't mind a weekend like that.

the water has been turned off every damn day this week. i've never lived somewhere where the water was out this much. it's ridiculous. i feel like i'm in a third world country... there are a million things i need to do before juchan gets here, and i need water for almost all of them. i haven't been able to do laundry all week thanks to having no water, so i desperately need to wash clothes. i also need to scrub the guest bathroom, take a shower, brush my teeth, and clean the casserole dish i need to make tonight's meal. i'd like to know what the fuck they're doing that the water has had to be off so fucking much. we were right in the middle of trying to wash brumby when the damn water went out again. i think we managed to rinse him off alright before it shut off entirely. didn't really get to finish the job, though, so his snout is still a mess. what a pain in the ass.

edit: apparently, the morons that have been wrecking our driveways keep hitting the water mains. yeah, this is much better than having unsightly cracks in our driveways caused by tree roots. i've been forced awake way too early all week from the noise of trees being torn down and chipped and driveways being ripped up, as well as all the noisy fucking construction vehicles driving up and down the damn street. and now i find out that this useless waste of a project is also at fault for the water being off all week. i'm fucking fed up with this shit. i didn't even want this project to go forward to begin with. i'd rather have trees than perfect driveways. who gives a shit if they're cracked? as long as you can drive on them, i don't see the problem. it's a huge waste of money (hence the astronomical rise in fees this year, partly), and it's also a pain in the fucking ass.

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

[music|apocalypse please - muse]

the worst day of my life happened a year ago today. i got up before dawn, went to the airport, bungled my way through security all alone, and spent most of the morning in a panic, hoping to reach her side before she passed. the minute the plane had touched down in atlanta, i had turned on my cell phone and called dad to ask if she were still there. then i waited some more for my next flight, still in a panic. i was so out of it that i didn't even recognize my uncle, who was waiting for me at the airport in raleigh, while dad drove in circles, awaiting my arrival. after i hugged him, the first words out of my mouth were, "is she still alive?" she was when they left. so in the car, i greeted dad, then asked if we were going straight to the hospital. he said we were, and kind of briefed me on the situation. so i'd know what to expect.

it didn't help.

i've already told the story, though. and i'm not up to telling it again today.

i miss you so much, mum. i can't help it. i'm still so used to calling you on mondays that the day hasn't completely lost its lonely, melancholy feeling since losing you. i know we're essentially the same. i know you're still technically here. but i miss jackie. i miss being hugged. and i keep remembering our last hug, and wishing i'd appreciated it more. i took for granted that i'd be able to hug you again. but that day, i'd had other things on my mind. once you and dad left and were on the road, i had a lot to do. i felt the sad emptiness i always felt when we had to part. so i can't even say it was some kind of psychic thing. though i was told later that you'd cried in the car and said it felt like that was the last time you'd see me.

and almost exactly three months later, she was gone.

[music|if - gravity kills]

despite my best efforts to feel mopey this week, the world has other plans. no, i didn't get the job i really wanted/needed, and the anniversary of mum's death is tomorrow. and i keep having these weird feeling flashbacks to last year. this time last year, i spent the day praying (an act of desperation, sohei, i assure you) that mum would still be around by the time i got to nc. i feel incredibly stupid, in hindsight, that i waited an extra day to go so that i could attend the midterm review in my wednesday night class. (yeah, i got an 'a' in that class, but who gives a shit now? not me.) i spent the day worrying that mum was already gone. needless to say, i didn't sleep well that night.

but, like i was saying, the world will not allow me to wallow in my misery. yesterday, i was named communication chairperson for the stewardship committee at church. i'm sure this doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone, but i was honored. i spent most of the meeting thinking, "wow. they picked me. why would they pick a dumb kid like me? wait, i'm an adult now." i had to keep reminding myself that i wasn't a teenager anymore, and it was perfectly acceptable to placed in such a post. because i sure don't feel like an adult most of the time. there are two people on my "team" (i don't know what to call it... subcommittee?), and if sohei works for me, that'll be three. my responsibilities are drafting the case statement for the church leadership (with lots of charts and graphs), designing the stewardship brochure (with lots of pictures), and writing summaries in our church newsletter. so far. and there are tons of events with important people, and i'm supposed to attend them.

i am overwhelmed with power.

seriously, though, i think this will be fun. and interesting. and like any situation where i'm given something important to do, i'm terrified of failing miserably. this time, however, i really believe i can do a good job. hopefully.

and i learned the church library's database software really quickly. i think i got a lot done on that yesterday, before the meeting. so i know it isn't all that important, but these activities make me feel like a useful human being again.

coz being told daily that everything i say is stupid, by sohei, hasn't been great for my self esteem.

and, as if being a chairperson wasn't enough, juchan called this morning and asked if it was okay to visit tomorrow. seeing as... and i said of course. so that will make the day a lot less depressing. and they've been kind of broke lately, so i promised to feed them a lot of awesome food. and sohei said we'd get some stuff to make drinks with. i can't wait to see her... i just hope the hurricane doesn't kill us all.

i do feel badly for dad, though. i mean, he won't be alone tomorrow. but how much comfort is he going to get from his girlfriend on the anniversary of his wife's death? i called him last night to see if he got in safely from his trip, and to tell him the good news about church. and he sounded really tired. i don't know if it was because he'd just gotten home or if he was thinking about mum, too. but when i called, he was cleaning his cat, grace's, crap off the dining room carpet. and i told sohei i bet he was thinking, "if jackie were still here, this would have been cleaned up before i got home from my trip." but sohei didn't agree that my dad thinks like that. well, that's what i would have been thinking. then maybe feeling bad that mum had to clean up so many cat messes. at any rate, i think maybe yesterday was probably difficult for him. and i think tomorrow may be, too. poor dad.

and everyone has me worried about his girlfriend now. sohei thinks she's a gold digger. coz she moved in with him so quickly and still doesn't have a job. i'm not sure she cooks much or anything, either. it seems like dad still does most of the time. and she obviously doesn't clean up after grace. and i'm not entirely sure, but i think maybe juchan thinks she's a gold digger, too. i honestly didn't think so. i didn't want to think that, anyway. and i think it's unfair to say that without even knowing her. but sohei says you don't have to meet someone to know they're a gold digger. i dunno. but i'll be sure to call dad tomorrow.

anyway, i have to go do some housework and stuff.

Daily Kos: Dealing With Fitzmas

you know, this is funny, coz i was just telling sohei the other day that waiting for the investigation results was like the anticipation i feel before christmas. i know that it's sick and it's wrong, but i feel like doing the dance of joy™ every time i think about the karmic repercussions that may be ahead for some people that couldn't deserve it more.

a year ago today, i woke up to my phone going off, with a vague feeling of dread. i was feeling a bit off anyway, due to waking earlier from a nightmare which left me in a panicked state for some time, before finally going back to a troubled sleep. (*this nightmare was one event of three that all happened around if not at the same time.) i answered, and it was dad. he tried to start out pleasantly, and i clung for a few seconds to a naive hope that nothing was wrong. then he told me mum had a stroke during the night, and she wasn't going to be alive much longer. at the time, we thought she would be gone within a few hours.

i can't even describe the overwhelming feeling of grief i experienced at that moment. after getting off the phone, i just slumped to the floor and sobbed til i couldn't breathe. i wanted to die. i wanted everything to just stop. but it didn't end. and the phone calls started. and i had to pretend that my life wasn't over.

i spent the rest of the day trying to take my mind off things, but wondering constantly if she was still here. i drank a lot. i didn't go to class. and i went to sleep hoping she'd miraculously be okay when i woke the next day.

(*everyone has speculated that i had my nightmare at the same time our cat, whiskers, died, which also happened at the same time mum had her stroke. if it wasn't simultaneous, it was very close. in my nightmare, whiskers had run away from me and jumped in a lake, swimming right into the jaws of an alligator. it was snapping her up when i woke in a panic, feeling like something essential had been torn from me. i've been panicked after nightmares before, but i felt empty and in terrible pain all at once. it's hard to describe.)

i just got an email informing me that someone else was picked for the job. i'm so glad i spent a day working on my resume, then spent a miserable saturday at the mall, wasting a bunch of money on clothes i couldn't really afford and will seldom be able to wear. unless i get a job that pays pretty damn well by the end of the month, i won't be going back to school next semester.

[music|lazybones - soul coughing]

there's that feeling again. like something is going to happen. except that this time i can't decide whether i'm excited again, or whether i'm dreading it. i think, considering the events of the past year, that's incredibly fair.

and i can't tell whether brumby has just peed on the floor again, or whether it's old mess. i'm out of anything to clean it with, anyway. so it's moot, i guess. oh, the joys of pet ownership.

i do love my babies, though, seriously.

sohei compared my writing to the fake miers blog. i'm not too pleased about that, since it's a damn lie.

that gold digger song is pretty good.

do you know how far away i'm going to be if we move to michigan? pretty far from beloved st. pete, but a lot closer to the safe haven of canada. what's safe anymore? who knows? not me. there are cute places to live there, where we might be going. i've never been to michigan, even though it's close to iowa. i suppose this means i could be seeing a lot more of my extended family while seeing a lot less of the immediate lot.

oh, what the hell are we doing?

and i don't even know about poor zoe anymore. little zoey joey, who doesn't stand a chance.

so quit pressuring me all the time, people. do everything now, you say. or life will go badly, you say. give me tons of money then, bitches, i say. coz that's the only way any of it will get done.

who cares, though? the world is apparently ending anyway.

for people like sohei, that don't believe that weight discrimination has anything to do with getting a job:

article one

article two

hell, just read a few random postings from their discrimination archive. this site is pretty good, too.

[music|the bed's too big without you - the police]

this song reminds me of the night i moved in with chris. it came on while we were driving to his apartment. i was incredibly excited to finally be leaving home, but also a little upset about the fight that provoked my leaving. and, being the stubborn bastard i am, i did not move back home, despite the fact that i finally started getting along with my parents again. so this song kind of stirs up all these thoughts in me.

even though it was eight years ago this month that it happened, it doesn't seem that far away.

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	sarah, gish, gishfeiticeira, jane lane, viva nova, samsara
Birthday:	august 21, 1979
Birthplace:	ames, iowa
Current Location:	st. petersburg, florida
Eye Color:	blue
Hair Color:	red or nondescript
Height:	5' 3 1/2"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	american mutt (danish, english, polish-jewish, etc.)
The Shoes You Wore Today:	mum's wooden sandals
Your Weakness:	sweets and musicians
Your Fears:	pain and losing people i love
Your Perfect Pizza:	extra cheese, sausage, onion, green peppers
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	i think i've achieved enough this year, thanks
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	tsk
Thoughts First Waking Up:	it's already noon. guess i should get up.
Your Best Physical Feature:	eyes
Your Bedtime:	varies, but usually around 1 am
Your Most Missed Memory:	memories of mum
Pepsi or Coke:	coke (mountain dew, really)
MacDonalds or Burger King:	hmmm... sonic.
Single or Group Dates:	single, i guess
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	dunno.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	both
Cappuccino or Coffee:	caramel frappuccino
Do you Smoke:	sometimes
Do you Swear:	all the fuckin' time
Do you Sing:	of course
Do you Shower Daily:	sometimes twice daily coz i'm a freak
Have you Been in Love:	i sure have
Do you want to go to College:	i'm there. been there for EVER
Do you want to get Married:	already am
Do you belive in yourself:	i guess
Do you get Motion Sickness:	rarely
Do you think you are Attractive:	most of the time
Are you a Health Freak:	not really
Do you get along with your Parents:	mostly
Do you like Thunderstorms:	i love them
Do you play an Instrument:	not really, but i'm trying to learn bass guitar. still.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	quite a bit
In the past month have you Smoked:	no, but i sure want to
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	well, i guess it was a date...
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	too many times
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no. sob.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	i sure haven't
In the past month have you been on Stage:	nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:	never have been
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	i don't think so...
Ever been Drunk:	of course
Ever been called a Tease:	back in the day...
Ever been Beaten up:	nope
Ever Shoplifted:	yep
How do you want to Die:	umm... being crushed by an elephant while having sex with kevin ogilvie or jim marcus?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	i don't plan on growing up
What country would you most like to Visit:	japan
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	brown/any
Favourite Hair Color:	black/dark or unnatural
Short or Long Hair:	short/short
Height:	taller than me/about my height or shorter than me
Weight:	skinny/chubby
Best Clothing Style:	punky or gothy for both
Number of Drugs I have taken:	hopefully not many; too many people use them to avoid real life. (though smoking some pot once in awhile isn't terrible.)
Number of CDs I own:	tons, and they'd better be good
Number of Piercings:	some would be nice. lip, nose, and eyebrow are prolly my favorites.
Number of Tattoos:	any, as long as they look good.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	nothing. living in the past is useless. and, often, boring as hell.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

posted by gish  # 10/11/2005 11:57:00 AM 0 comments

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer.

i'm sure i've done this before, but i was curious how my beliefs have changed. i don't know why christianity is so high on the list, considering my lack of belief in god or god incarnations (jesus). maybe it has to do with my contemporary beliefs or something. aside from that, i'm not surprised by much of the list, i guess.

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%) 2. Mahayana Buddhism (94%) 3. Neo-Pagan (89%) 4. New Age (83%) 5. Liberal Quakers (82%) 6. Theravada Buddhism (82%) 7. Hinduism (75%) 8. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (74%) 9. New Thought (70%) 10. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (70%) 11. Taoism (67%) 12. Scientology (57%) 13. Jainism (56%) 14. Sikhism (55%) 15. Secular Humanism (52%) 16. Baha'i Faith (47%) 17. Reform Judaism (41%) 18. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (35%) 19. Orthodox Quaker (34%) 20. Nontheist (31%) 21. Jehovah's Witness (26%) 22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (25%) 23. Orthodox Judaism (22%) 24. Seventh Day Adventist (14%) 25. Eastern Orthodox (12%) 26. Islam (12%) 27. Roman Catholic (12%)