carved angel

[tv|food network]

i know i haven't updated a lot lately, but there have been some things i wasn't even allowed to talk about til now. so here's the past few days, in a nutshell:

on friday, i wrote a pretty good article for the church newsletter.

on saturday, i went to the peak oil conference. it was really cool. but it would've been better if some people hadn't wasted the question time on bragging about their hybrid cars and how many miles they get to the gallon. you're teh awesome, we know. then i came home and did schoolwork, and we took brumby to the dog park.

then on sunday i did nothing, and it was good.

and today i went to work and did stuff. and kept playing gopets, which i've been playing since sunday and is the shizznite. (my name on there is gish, duh. so friend me.)

and my dad is getting married tomorrow. i'm not even going to talk about it.

i'm so tired of keeping secrets and trying to be good and letting people do whatever they want and just sitting there. everyone just gets mad at me anyway, and everyone sucks.

so to end this lovely post, i'll just put in something i wrote the other day, coz i don't feel like writing like i thought i did.

I’m writing from work. I was actually going to blog from work, but I forgot my password. Go me. Yeah, not really the best idea, but I feel like if I don’t get some of my thoughts out, I’m going to go crazy…

I’ve been afraid lately. After everything that’s happened in the past year or so, I feel like I’m taking it all too well. I’m afraid that one day, it’s going to all cave in and I’m going to completely lose it. I didn’t get any real help after mum died, nor after Jason’s suicide. I have to wonder if I’m in some sort of denial. Or maybe people don’t really need to go to a shrink when they have a real reason to be sad. I don’t see how talking to a stranger about any of this would make me feel any better or more sane. Maybe I’m just really heartless. I always saw myself as someone with a rather sensitive nature, but I began to question that after Jason killed himself. I’m supposed to feel guilty, right? I’m not supposed to just go on about my daily business as though I hadn’t anything to do with it. I’m not supposed to feel happy or at peace, am I? (Not that I’m happy that he’s dead, I just mean in general.)

So is this all going to come crashing down someday? Will I realize the gravity of it all? What will happen then? Or am I just really callous? I know I should be over what happened to mum by now, but I feel like I got over it too quickly. When I actually stop and think about it, I get pretty upset. Which is what frightens me. Have I not thought about it enough? Have I been so busy with life that the minute I actually stop and think, I’ll go crazy?

I’ve just been so happy since I got this job. It feels like life is finally starting to work out a little. But there’s this feeling like something heavy and terrible is hanging over my head, and when I least expect it, it’s going to fall and crush me. I want to just enjoy being happy for once, but for various reasons, I can’t. I know it doesn’t make sense to go around worrying if you should be worried about something. And I think I’ll try harder not to. I guess if I do lose it, I’ll just worry about it then.