carved angel

[music|neon wilderness - the verve]

i know i haven't been updating much. i'm just incredibly busy, and all i'd do is whine anyway. it's not damn good times around here again, which i'm sure you gathered from my previous post. it sounds silly, but i was thinking today how nice it would be to have an ultra-secret blog somewhere and only tell certain people. but i tried that before, and sohei found it anyway. i'm also thinking that when things slow down a bit, i'm going to clean out my computer and cpanel account. what a mess. what i'd really like is to just start over with a clean slate. you know, i might just do that for the new year... i do like the layout i have, but i just can't figure out how to make it work in firefox. but, really, i want to delete just about everything in my account and start over. i may even try new blog software. who knows? not me.

anyway, i can't do anything fun like play my new sims expansion or blog when there's a bunch of stupid, crappy work to be done. stupid finals time.

apparently, i'm irritating. i don't know what it is about me that is the most irritating, though... maybe it's the way i constantly fawn over him and compliment him. maybe it's the way i ask him all the time if everything's alright, or how i ask for permission before i ever do anything. or it could be the way i paste a smile on my face even when i'm feeling like shit inside, because i'm especially irritating when i'm mopey. sure, i could stop doing all that, but i'm also irritating when i sing or joke or talk or sometimes even breathe. (like his breath is minty fresh first thing in the morning.) because, as we all know, i can't do a damn thing right. i am always, always wrong. to the very core of my being. everything i think or say or do is wrong. my beliefs are wrong. the way i feel about other people is wrong. ever feeling an iota of pride is wrong. no matter what i do, i'm stupid. or weird or lame or unpleasant in some way. i am so, so tired of trying to make every asshole i know, happy. i'm tired of deferring. to my dad, to my husband, to everyone. no one respects me, and trying to be polite and friendly hasn't gotten me anywhere. i'm sick of gritting my teeth while my bowels tie themselves in knots. i still don't know how to make people respect me, but i'm sick of trying. i'd rather just make myself happy and tell everyone else to go to hell. who cares if i don't earn any friends that way? i don't have any, anyway, do i? my being nice doesn't make anyone happy. in fact, it irritates everyone. so why bother? if everyone thinks i'm an irritating bitch now, they ain't seen nothing yet...

oh, by the way, happy fucking thanksgiving.

[tv|food network]

i know i haven't updated a lot lately, but there have been some things i wasn't even allowed to talk about til now. so here's the past few days, in a nutshell:

on friday, i wrote a pretty good article for the church newsletter.

on saturday, i went to the peak oil conference. it was really cool. but it would've been better if some people hadn't wasted the question time on bragging about their hybrid cars and how many miles they get to the gallon. you're teh awesome, we know. then i came home and did schoolwork, and we took brumby to the dog park.

then on sunday i did nothing, and it was good.

and today i went to work and did stuff. and kept playing gopets, which i've been playing since sunday and is the shizznite. (my name on there is gish, duh. so friend me.)

and my dad is getting married tomorrow. i'm not even going to talk about it.

i'm so tired of keeping secrets and trying to be good and letting people do whatever they want and just sitting there. everyone just gets mad at me anyway, and everyone sucks.

so to end this lovely post, i'll just put in something i wrote the other day, coz i don't feel like writing like i thought i did.

I’m writing from work. I was actually going to blog from work, but I forgot my password. Go me. Yeah, not really the best idea, but I feel like if I don’t get some of my thoughts out, I’m going to go crazy…

I’ve been afraid lately. After everything that’s happened in the past year or so, I feel like I’m taking it all too well. I’m afraid that one day, it’s going to all cave in and I’m going to completely lose it. I didn’t get any real help after mum died, nor after Jason’s suicide. I have to wonder if I’m in some sort of denial. Or maybe people don’t really need to go to a shrink when they have a real reason to be sad. I don’t see how talking to a stranger about any of this would make me feel any better or more sane. Maybe I’m just really heartless. I always saw myself as someone with a rather sensitive nature, but I began to question that after Jason killed himself. I’m supposed to feel guilty, right? I’m not supposed to just go on about my daily business as though I hadn’t anything to do with it. I’m not supposed to feel happy or at peace, am I? (Not that I’m happy that he’s dead, I just mean in general.)

So is this all going to come crashing down someday? Will I realize the gravity of it all? What will happen then? Or am I just really callous? I know I should be over what happened to mum by now, but I feel like I got over it too quickly. When I actually stop and think about it, I get pretty upset. Which is what frightens me. Have I not thought about it enough? Have I been so busy with life that the minute I actually stop and think, I’ll go crazy?

I’ve just been so happy since I got this job. It feels like life is finally starting to work out a little. But there’s this feeling like something heavy and terrible is hanging over my head, and when I least expect it, it’s going to fall and crush me. I want to just enjoy being happy for once, but for various reasons, I can’t. I know it doesn’t make sense to go around worrying if you should be worried about something. And I think I’ll try harder not to. I guess if I do lose it, I’ll just worry about it then.

why, yes, i am overwhelmed with things to do. how could you tell?

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times. Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness! Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

Your Nail Polish Color is Black

How you're unique: There's nothing about you that isn't unique Why your style rocks: You are a total indie chick... and you can pull it off What this color says about you: "I'm a trendsetter and don't care what anyone else is doing!"

He's Not Even Swimming in Your Pond

Even though you may have feelings to this guy, he has no ties to you. You'll never get more than a casual fling from him - even if he tells you otherwise. His thoughtless actions speak louder than his sweet words!

ouch.

You Are Downtown

You're a funky spirit that requires freedom to live. Your city girl persona needs adventure, diversity, and great pizza.

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist. People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you. You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words. Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

You Can Hang With the Guys and the Girls

You've struck a good balance between girlie and laid back. You can keep it casual but when you dress up, you are as girly as the next girl.

You Belong in Rome

You're a big city girl with a small town heart Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?

This Fall, You Should Wear

A Punk Rock Bag

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

oh i know men. and i hate them.

You Are a Passionate Kisser

You are the most likely type to kiss a sexy stranger Your kissing style is unpredictable and free spirited You could kiss anyone at a drop of a hat It's all about where your passion leads you

Your Fashion Style is Urban

You've got a style all your own... and it works Not too trendy, not too freaky - you've got streetwear down to a science You always look cute and put together, but keep it comfortable too You're the type of girl that creates trends and inspires others to be funky

Your Celebrity Style Twin is Gwen Stefani

Trendsetting, unique, and stylish.

Men See You As Playful

Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate You know how to push men's buttons and attract a wide range of guys You enjoy living and loving - it's one of your most attractive qualities Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that!

You're Part Diva

You know that a girl's gotta work it to get her way in the world. And while you aren't about to throw a tantrum at every turn... You do amp up the drama when you know you need it. You mix charm, honesty, and kindness to get ahead.

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

Your Inner Retro Girl Is

1980s Goth Girl

Your Scent is Pumpkin Pie

Warm, comforting, and a bit old fashioned You've got what men want - believe it or not!

if you're in a bad mood or don't otherwise want to share an annoying sort of joy, please don't read this post.

i love bear.
i love my family.
i love my pets. (not in that way -- i'm not rick santorum.)
i love my family's pets. (welcome home, gikun.)
i love my job.
i love my boss. (again, not in that way.)
i love my co-workers.
i love (most of) the students.
i love karma.
i love being able to drive.
i love being alive.
i love my house.
i love holidays.
i love my church.
i love sleeping.
i love eating good food.
i love...
...that the world can be a terrible place, but there's always some good, too.
i love balance; life, the universe, and everything.
even when the scales aren't tipped in my favor.

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out. When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. Your flirting style: Laid back Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm What you bring to relationships: Balance

i don't even know what to say. he's been one of my favorite wrestlers since i started watching years ago. rest in peace, eddie.

[tv|camp lazlo - cartoon network]

so ends my first full week of work. boss one and i had a good time today. he invited me to thanksgiving, too, which was really sweet of him. he wanted the whole library crew to drop by, but the two night girls had plans. and stupid sohei says we can't go. but i feel really badly for my boss, since he's so far from home and doesn't have anyone to spend the holiday with. so i asked sohei if he could just join us for whatever we're doing, but he said no to that, too. poor boss one. maybe we could do something the friday after and sohei can just suck it. i don't know why sohei is always suspicious about guys when i like girls a lot better most of the time. i guess he doesn't like anyone i hang out with...

so, yeah, that's all for now.

i know i said i wasn't going to blog about work, but if i didn't, what else would i talk about? my life recently is school, work, church, so... yeah. that's all for it.

anyway, i still love my job. though something odd happened today. this lady, i guess she was a faculty member, came into the library a couple of times, and bitched out the students about getting back to class. and both times, the students she was bothering were black girls. in fact, one of the girls said, "it's always the black girl who gets in trouble." then the girl assured me she was kidding, which i guess means that now i am among those that can be considered "the man." :sick: sohei keeps telling me how professional i look, and i think he likes it. i do, a bit, but i just keep feeling like i'm playing dress-up. and i want to wear my lip ring all the time. anyway... so then the lady comes up to my desk and says, "so are you actually doing work, or just playing?" i gave her a second to tell me she was just joking, and when she didn't, i said, "um, it's for school. i'm doing homework." which i was, not that it was any of her damn business. :annoyed: but when i responded to one of my boss' emails this evening, i told him about it, and he said he'd take care of it. so that's good, i guess.

i really actually have two bosses, and i'm not good with the nickname thing, so i'll call them boss one and boss two. boss one will be the younger guy, since i interract with him more, and boss two will be the older guy. not that you care. maybe i'll come up with nicknames eventually...

so work has been good. and school has been crazy. and i have so much to do regarding church that i'm going to keel over and die. the thing is, i know that school and work should be my first priority. but i've been entrusted with some pretty important stuff on my church committee, and, as usual, i feel like i have something to prove. yes, the fat, punk-ass girl can actually accomplish things in a timely manner and do a damn good job of it. ya know?

sigh.

well, i have to go get ready for bed and all. boss one is going to be at work tomorrow, and i'm looking forward to chatting with him. at most of my old jobs, i would always wish i never had to see any of my bosses, but he's actually nice to be around. so.

oyasumi nasai.

[tv|ignoring]

man, i'm tired. :sleepy: i can't seem to get used to getting up at 7, no matter how early i go to bed. i just don't like getting up in the morning, i guess. so here's what i've been up to...

sunday was a beautiful day. we went to the book sale at church, and i bought stuff. i got: joy luck club, the jungle (sinclair), leaves of grass, japanese etiquette (circa 1955), and one hundred years of solitude. and i paid for the things i picked up on friday: ulysses and a how to speak arabic tape/book set. all for $6, including what sohei got. :happy: i love books. then we went to the mall and i got some new work clothes for pretty cheap: black skirt with lace on, two blouses, and a camisole. and then we took brumby to the dog park, which he quite enjoyed. everyone thinks he's very cute, including the two dogs that kept trying to mount him. :shocked: and it was just so nice outside. and we saw this girl there with her scottie, that we'd seen before at the pet store. which was neat.

and on monday and tuesday, my boss was at work to make sure i understood everything. i like talking to him coz he's so silly. and he's smart without being pompous, which is nice. duke of pickle! :lol: but today i was on my own. i think i did okay. and i'm learning to drive the route to work, and i almost have it down. i should have my license by the end of the month.

so i love my job, and everything's good, except for a problem i'm having with school. i didn't get my registration card for spring, so i didn't know it was time to sign up. then yesterday my boss mentioned he was signing up for classes at fsu, and i'm like, wtf? i'd better go look and see if i need to be doing that. and all the damn classes were full! :pissed: i don't know when i was supposed to be signing up, but i was obviously late. so i've been checking the schedule obsessively to see if anything's opened up. thankfully, i managed to swipe a class that someone dropped this morning, so that's one. but there are six required classes to get the degree, and i want to take at least one next semester. coz after this semester, i'll still have four left to take, and i want to get them out of the way. especially since summer is sparse with the classes.

anyway, i have to go get ready for my stewardship meeting. someone offered to give me a ride, which is nice coz i wouldn't be able to go, otherwise. sooo busy...

eleven years ago november 11, i met someone who would change my life. and not in an entirely good way. but he was a part of my history, and became a large part of who i am today. on november 11, he became my boyfriend and would be for about five months. that seemed like such a long time back then. and then something happened, and i didn't ever want to see him again. the experience changed me, and changed the way i looked at the world and other people, especially men. and he was more or less out of my life for ten years.

not long ago, he found his way back into it.

i told myself i forgave him for what he'd done. i thought i had gotten past it. but i guess i hadn't. and i lashed out at him in a way i have never done. i don't do that to people, ever. but my reaction was so visceral, and ten years of hate and hurt and fear and anger and disgust poured out of me. and i didn't hear back from him.

until october 30. he sent me a message saying he loved me, and i had helped him to see the light. he had always had a problem with those words: i love you. when we were together, he would only say ich liebe dich. but i didn't read the message until november 3.

the day he took his own life.

and by then it was too late to say anything. but what would i have said to that, anyway? i'm still not sure. to be honest, probably nothing. as it was, the message sat in my inbox for days, unread, in an account i seldom use. and i don't know how to feel about all of this. i have never known anyone that has done this, before. and i have never personally known anyone who died so young. (27) it was only a year ago that i lost my mother. and then at least i knew how i felt. there was no conflict, no regrets, no doubt. this time, i can't say the same. i know he made his own choice, but i also know what it feels like when you want to die. you sit there and list, in your head, all the reasons you have to die. how few reasons you have to live. and i can't help but feel that maybe i had contributed to that. my words helped make up that list of reasons that life wasn't worth living. and i know that it's selfish, but i value human life so much that the thought of having contributed, in any way, to the end of one... well. it's just overwhelming.

i can't tell you how i feel about all of this. or how i feel about him. i can't describe it, or put it into words. i'm not even sure, myself, half the time. but i do know that at least i've learned something. i will never again say to someone the sorts of things i said to him. i will not hold grudges, no matter the reason. this is something that will probably weigh on my conscience, to some extent, for the rest of my life. he was a lot of things to me. before things went so wrong, he had been my first love, and i, his. and then there was a long period of time during which i hated him, and then just general ambivalence.

but now he's gone. and it's not up to me to decide whether the world is better or worse off without him. and, unlike when mum died, i now know that all that has changed is that one wave has broken and another will rise in its place.

Arty Kid

Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique. You're probably a little less weird these days - but even more talented!

[music|convenience album - die warzau]

i really wanted to blog yesterday, but blogger was being a total pain.

anyway, my first day at work was yesterday. it was basically paid training. i've decided i'm not going to talk about work too awfully much on here, because i know that gets people into trouble sometimes. i have nothing but good things to say so far, but some companies don't like it no matter what. i didn't want to come out and ask, of course, because there's a chance no one will ever even find out about this place anyway. but i think i'm going to love this job, despite the low pay. my boss is really, really sweet and fun to talk to. we spent most of yesterday just chatting. and when he was showing me how to create a new account, he used the name harvey gigglefritz, and we laughed like sunshine for ages. maybe you had to be there. and i think we both answer to a bigger boss, who is also nice. he acts rather stern, but i know he's actually very pleasant. he reminds me of uncle steve. and the rest of the faculty i met were really sweet, too. this lady in the front office complimented me on my blouse, which was nice, because i wasn't entirely sure of it. and the students are great, too. everyone is just so pleasant, and the library itself is so quiet and tiny and cozy. i'm actually looking forward to going back on monday. the only other job i've ever looked forward to going to was the library job in gainesville. so, yeah, everything's good. :happy:

and this morning, sohei dropped me off at the mcdonalds near church so i could have some breakfast and hang out til i was supposed to show up. i had a sausage muffin, hashbrown, and small orange juice, and paid ten cents extra for the newspaper i like better. so i was kind of enjoying everything, and then this guy sits down at the table across from me and starts talking to himself. this kind of thing always happens to me, which is why i seldom go out by myself. he was young and looked perfectly normal, except that he kind of looked like he could snap and start a killing spree at any moment, muttering to himself. so i just got the hell out of there and showed up at the church about half an hour early. i saw the minister right away, and then met one of the nice office ladies. i love my church. and then everyone showed up and we got to work.

sohei has been in a foul mood all day, though, so i'm going to just skip anything to do with him.

and then i got home, and here i am. everything is so busy now. it's nice to have activities, but i'm so tired. i'm really no good at getting up early, and now i'm getting up at 7 every morning. a little before 7, actually. so i'm hoping i can get used to that. and i'm hoping i can get my license really soon, too, coz i'm getting really tired of having to be early for everything and wait around forever, and miss things i need to do. which reminds me, i need to find a ride to the stewardship meeting.

so many emails to send out today...

Maybe I'm inside
To cut the strings that bind us
Take the thing that holds us here
While it's beating

Maybe I'm beneath the skin
There's no way to go but down
To the ground beneath me
And we are all the same

And if you're the one to stop this roller coaster
Don't think that I'm an evil thing just that I was curious
And if you're the gun who puts me out of your way
Don't think that I'm an evil thing just that I was curious

curious - die warzau

[tv|ignoring]

the observation went pretty well last night, and i was almost sure i had the job. he said they'd call on wednesday afternoon or thursday, when i first got there. by the time i left, he said he'd definitely call wednesday afternoon. so he called this morning and said i got the job. he said i could have time to think about it before i accepted, but i said i totally wanted the job. so i'll be starting tomorrow. i'm still volunteering at church on friday, i guess. sohei said i was stupid to do that, but i didn't want to just leave them hanging, especially since no one else was really volunteering to do the book sale. sohei said i should have either told the church i couldn't do it, or tell my boss that i couldn't start til monday. but he seemed to want me to start tomorrow, so i didn't know what to do. but dad and sohei said not to worry about it now. so i guess i won't.

i can't believe i finally have a job... :yay:

[music|19-2000 - gorillaz]

i had yet another variation of my recurring dream last night. i think it's coz i spent about two hours on the phone with dad last night, talking about his girlfriend, while she and her son were at a church function. after i got off the phone with him, i told sohei about some of the things dad told me, and he was all negative as usual. he thinks what dad's doing is disrespectful to people like nana (mum's mum) and whatnot. but i don't think dad could do anything right as far as sohei's concerned. i really don't understand why he dislikes my father so damn much. dad is nothing but nice to him, and the way sohei treats him just embarrasses me sometimes. and of course he's already decided that he hates dad's girlfriend coz she's a fundie. well, fuck it. i'm just going to like her until she gives me a reason not to. the world can just suck it. (this is in no way directed at juchan, because it's her dad and she has every right to feel how she's going to feel about this. it's her business, just like how i feel is my business. but i'll always be there for her no matter what, because no one outranks juchan.)

by the way, my politcal compass is: Economic Left/Right: -8.63 Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -7.85

which means that i'm at the far left, lower section of the graph; a communist anarchist as it were. with gandhi, mandela, and the dalai lama. how about you?

anyway, i have to go get ready for faux-work. i'm going in to observe tonight.

ooh. die warzau's bodybag just came on, so i have to stick around til it's over.