carved angel

apparently, i'm irritating. i don't know what it is about me that is the most irritating, though... maybe it's the way i constantly fawn over him and compliment him. maybe it's the way i ask him all the time if everything's alright, or how i ask for permission before i ever do anything. or it could be the way i paste a smile on my face even when i'm feeling like shit inside, because i'm especially irritating when i'm mopey. sure, i could stop doing all that, but i'm also irritating when i sing or joke or talk or sometimes even breathe. (like his breath is minty fresh first thing in the morning.) because, as we all know, i can't do a damn thing right. i am always, always wrong. to the very core of my being. everything i think or say or do is wrong. my beliefs are wrong. the way i feel about other people is wrong. ever feeling an iota of pride is wrong. no matter what i do, i'm stupid. or weird or lame or unpleasant in some way. i am so, so tired of trying to make every asshole i know, happy. i'm tired of deferring. to my dad, to my husband, to everyone. no one respects me, and trying to be polite and friendly hasn't gotten me anywhere. i'm sick of gritting my teeth while my bowels tie themselves in knots. i still don't know how to make people respect me, but i'm sick of trying. i'd rather just make myself happy and tell everyone else to go to hell. who cares if i don't earn any friends that way? i don't have any, anyway, do i? my being nice doesn't make anyone happy. in fact, it irritates everyone. so why bother? if everyone thinks i'm an irritating bitch now, they ain't seen nothing yet...

oh, by the way, happy fucking thanksgiving.