carved angel

[music|if - gravity kills]

despite my best efforts to feel mopey this week, the world has other plans. no, i didn't get the job i really wanted/needed, and the anniversary of mum's death is tomorrow. and i keep having these weird feeling flashbacks to last year. this time last year, i spent the day praying (an act of desperation, sohei, i assure you) that mum would still be around by the time i got to nc. i feel incredibly stupid, in hindsight, that i waited an extra day to go so that i could attend the midterm review in my wednesday night class. (yeah, i got an 'a' in that class, but who gives a shit now? not me.) i spent the day worrying that mum was already gone. needless to say, i didn't sleep well that night.

but, like i was saying, the world will not allow me to wallow in my misery. yesterday, i was named communication chairperson for the stewardship committee at church. i'm sure this doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone, but i was honored. i spent most of the meeting thinking, "wow. they picked me. why would they pick a dumb kid like me? wait, i'm an adult now." i had to keep reminding myself that i wasn't a teenager anymore, and it was perfectly acceptable to placed in such a post. because i sure don't feel like an adult most of the time. there are two people on my "team" (i don't know what to call it... subcommittee?), and if sohei works for me, that'll be three. my responsibilities are drafting the case statement for the church leadership (with lots of charts and graphs), designing the stewardship brochure (with lots of pictures), and writing summaries in our church newsletter. so far. and there are tons of events with important people, and i'm supposed to attend them.

i am overwhelmed with power.

seriously, though, i think this will be fun. and interesting. and like any situation where i'm given something important to do, i'm terrified of failing miserably. this time, however, i really believe i can do a good job. hopefully.

and i learned the church library's database software really quickly. i think i got a lot done on that yesterday, before the meeting. so i know it isn't all that important, but these activities make me feel like a useful human being again.

coz being told daily that everything i say is stupid, by sohei, hasn't been great for my self esteem.

and, as if being a chairperson wasn't enough, juchan called this morning and asked if it was okay to visit tomorrow. seeing as... and i said of course. so that will make the day a lot less depressing. and they've been kind of broke lately, so i promised to feed them a lot of awesome food. and sohei said we'd get some stuff to make drinks with. i can't wait to see her... i just hope the hurricane doesn't kill us all.

i do feel badly for dad, though. i mean, he won't be alone tomorrow. but how much comfort is he going to get from his girlfriend on the anniversary of his wife's death? i called him last night to see if he got in safely from his trip, and to tell him the good news about church. and he sounded really tired. i don't know if it was because he'd just gotten home or if he was thinking about mum, too. but when i called, he was cleaning his cat, grace's, crap off the dining room carpet. and i told sohei i bet he was thinking, "if jackie were still here, this would have been cleaned up before i got home from my trip." but sohei didn't agree that my dad thinks like that. well, that's what i would have been thinking. then maybe feeling bad that mum had to clean up so many cat messes. at any rate, i think maybe yesterday was probably difficult for him. and i think tomorrow may be, too. poor dad.

and everyone has me worried about his girlfriend now. sohei thinks she's a gold digger. coz she moved in with him so quickly and still doesn't have a job. i'm not sure she cooks much or anything, either. it seems like dad still does most of the time. and she obviously doesn't clean up after grace. and i'm not entirely sure, but i think maybe juchan thinks she's a gold digger, too. i honestly didn't think so. i didn't want to think that, anyway. and i think it's unfair to say that without even knowing her. but sohei says you don't have to meet someone to know they're a gold digger. i dunno. but i'll be sure to call dad tomorrow.

anyway, i have to go do some housework and stuff.