carved angel

a year ago today, i woke up to my phone going off, with a vague feeling of dread. i was feeling a bit off anyway, due to waking earlier from a nightmare which left me in a panicked state for some time, before finally going back to a troubled sleep. (*this nightmare was one event of three that all happened around if not at the same time.) i answered, and it was dad. he tried to start out pleasantly, and i clung for a few seconds to a naive hope that nothing was wrong. then he told me mum had a stroke during the night, and she wasn't going to be alive much longer. at the time, we thought she would be gone within a few hours.

i can't even describe the overwhelming feeling of grief i experienced at that moment. after getting off the phone, i just slumped to the floor and sobbed til i couldn't breathe. i wanted to die. i wanted everything to just stop. but it didn't end. and the phone calls started. and i had to pretend that my life wasn't over.

i spent the rest of the day trying to take my mind off things, but wondering constantly if she was still here. i drank a lot. i didn't go to class. and i went to sleep hoping she'd miraculously be okay when i woke the next day.

(*everyone has speculated that i had my nightmare at the same time our cat, whiskers, died, which also happened at the same time mum had her stroke. if it wasn't simultaneous, it was very close. in my nightmare, whiskers had run away from me and jumped in a lake, swimming right into the jaws of an alligator. it was snapping her up when i woke in a panic, feeling like something essential had been torn from me. i've been panicked after nightmares before, but i felt empty and in terrible pain all at once. it's hard to describe.)