carved angel

i called jessica today to ask for the address of the party tomorrow. she was so glad to hear that i'm going to be there, which totally flattered me. she said it's going to be mostly family, so she's glad that some friend-friends are going to be there. i don't know why i always feel surprised when someone seems happy to see me. i guess it's a self esteem issue. which i'm supposed to be doing better with, but obviously i'm far from there. but i'm glad i'm going. :happy:

i have to call my mother in law tonight to ask her some stuff, since i've never been to a bridal shower before. today i sent the wedding rsvp back, and there was a line on it that i couldn't figure out what i was supposed to write on it. and i'm really mad that i can't just pick up the phone and call mum and ask what the hell the line was for. i just put shadow's name on it, coz i'm pretty sure that's what it was for. gah. and it won't be long before juchan has to do all this stuff, too, what with friends getting married, and getting married herself. and she's probably going to be calling me and asking what to do. (i hope she does, anyway, since her mil is - well, i'm not going to go there.) so i guess i'd better learn all the etiquette stuff i've somehow missed up til this point. my wedding was far from traditional, so that doesn't help at all...

anyway... i guess i am a little mad at mum for dying. since she really didn't have to. all she had to do was not smoke. shadow and i quit. dad has finally quit. why couldn't she? i was chatting with juchan the other day, and i mentioned how unhappy that i am that my kid is going to know mum like i knew her dad. in other words, not at all. and because family is so important to me, it's always bothered me that i never knew him. i've heard stories about him, and i met him, but i was too young to remember now. i think he died before i was two. zoe will never know her grandma, and she was such a wonderful person to know. she would've enjoyed her grandkids so much. this whole thing has made me even more eager to start our family. one of her grandpas still smokes, one just quit, and her surviving grandma is a breast cancer survivor. i want her to know her other grandparents.

besides, i've been thinking about it, and i want to have her before i start a career. on the other hand, if i don't work first, we won't be able to afford her. meh. it's moot for now, anyway.

so, yeah, i went off on a tangent again. what was supposed to be a happy post of excitement turned into another rant. i don't know what my problem is, and why i can't just ever be happy and positive. maybe finishing off the margarita fixins will help.