carved angel

i should be at church right now. let's just say that easter isn't going well for me at all. in a last-ditch effort to get my easter candy on friday when we went grocery shopping, i begged chris to just let me go myself, but he probably knew what i was up to, and refused.

then, this morning, i overslept. the alarm went off, and i remember that vaguely, then chris turned it off. i kept right on sleeping. i woke up around 10:30 and looked past chris sitting up reading, and saw the clock. i didn't ask why he didn't wake me or anything. i just turned over and said, "i really wanted to go to the easter service." to which he replied that he didn't know i'd wanted to go so badly. i wasn't crying because i missed church, really. it was because i felt that i'd made it quite clear how important it was i go, but it was more important for him to just stay home. i realize that it was my fault i overslept. but he was awake, and didn't try to get me up at all after the alarm went off. it's things like this that make me truly believe that he never listens to a damn thing i say, or if he does, he just doesn't give a fuck. i think it's a little from column a and a little from column b.

as i've mentioned before, i'm not a christian, so easter doesn't mean anything to me in that way. it's just a celebration of a season i love. and i wanted to see how the church i want to become a member of celebrates it. i've already seen the equivalent of a baptism and really liked what i saw. these are things i want to know about before i commit myself to a church. now that i'm an adult, i understand how important things like that are. (my parents tried to explain it to me when i was a kid, but i didn't see why you couldn't just join right away.) so it was very important to me that i go today. i said as much multiple times, explaining all the reasons, and he must not have heard me once. either that, or he just doesn't care about my feelings at all. i guess he's made that clear on many an occasion, so i don't know why i expect anything different.

and i've just remembered that i'm cursed or something this year, so it all makes sense. everything has pretty much been shite since my birthday. everyone forgot my birthday, mum got sick and died, christmas was awful between dad's nasty mood and having to spend all my money on school books (and my gift card on a wedding gift), and now easter is going in about the same direction. (obviously, some of these events far outweigh others, but i'm pointing to a general trend of having the suckiest year ever.) all that's left, anyway, is to have a craptastic 10th anniversary, maybe a boring 4th of july, then i think i'm out of holidays until my birthday. which had better be fucking awesome this year, because i don't think i could stand to have another year like this one. and if you think i'm crazy for basing a year on one day, this happens almost every year: how awful a year is, is directly proportional to how shitty my birthday is. if i have a decent birthday, the rest of my year is pretty decent, too. on the other hand, i've never had such an awful birthday, and this is about the worst year i've ever experienced.

oh yeah, and i forgot hurricane season. well, bring it on, coz judging by all the cracks in certain places around the house, we're probably sitting on a sinkhole.