carved angel

last night, in japanese history, witham-sensei had some kanji on the board. so he was lecturing, and he points to one and says, "this is watakushi, which means..." and looks at me. so i say, "i" coz that's what it means. then he asks what the next one means, and i have no idea. it was the word for novel, and i only know the word for book. coz i have the spoken vocabulary of a three year old, and the written vocabulary of a kindergartener/1st grader. w00t. and then later he's talking about how to really best understand the japanese, you have to spend some time in japan. and he said to me, "you've been to japan, right?" and i said i hadn't, so he asked how i knew japanese, and i told him i was self-taught. i tell you, it was a good evening for my ego. i think he was impressed with my last exam, coz one of the questions had to do with bushido, and i was talking about a couple of the tenets and referring to them by their japanese names. (that would've been the exam i got a near-perfect score on.) i like when my professors like me, coz my teachers have always hated me til now.

so now i have all my exam questions for all my classes. all that's left to do is write the essays. the thing is, i'm too tired to start any of them. i'm in this weird place right now. i'm finally beginning to accept that my life has little meaning or impact. it's helping me to accept death, but it's also making me incredibly lethargic. i keep smoking at school, because i figure i might as well, since i could die in a car accident later. then i feel guilty and jittery and wonder why i keep wanting to smoke when it ends up making me feel grody and smelly. and i've been off my diet for a while, because i figure it doesn't matter what i eat. then i see someone gorgeous somewhere, and feel guilty that i'm letting myself down. and i could at least keep trying for the sake of my husband.

but he runs hot and cold all the time, and it doesn't help at all with this total aimlessness. sometimes he's very happy with me, and sometimes it's all he can do to keep from beating the hell out of me. so part of me wants to just go off and be on my own. i even found an apartment i really like. but part of me doesn't want to throw this part of my life away. and yet another part of me says it doesn't matter one way or another, because i'll just die, and who cares then?

so there's the me that wants to smoke and live in a cute little apartment all on my own and do what i want and have adventures. and maybe have a girlfriend, too.

then there's this part of me that realizes that i'm not getting any younger and my body's going to hell and i do love my husband and i'll just die alone if i don't stick this out.

but i'm tired of not smoking and eating right all the time and not having a girlfriend.

so i'm just stuck. indecision has me curled up in a fetal position on the floor, wondering just what the hell to do next. this is one of those turning point times, and i completely fucked up the last few, so i'd better get it right for once.

but maybe there'll be other chances some other time. i have to keep relying on that.