carved angel

ugh, i feel awful. my guts hurt and i only have one pill left, and i have to save it for tomorrow coz if i miss my japanese exam, i'm screwed. i'd rather not go to school tonight, coz i had no idea what we were supposed to do and am totally unprepared... didn't do the bulletin board thingy, either. i really hope i can at least manage a b in everything this semester. i just feel too tired and depressed to do well in anything. my brit lit papers keep coming back with the remark that i can do better. like the one i got a c on yesterday. i guess he, like everyone else in the world, assumes i should be "better" by now. and i have to talk to my prof tonight about my performance in her class, which i'm dreading. the fact is, before mum got sick, i was getting mostly a's with a couple b+s. now it's more like straight b's with the occasional c. and i have to explain to them that i'm stressed and sad and i can't think or write to save my life. and it sounds like i'm blaming everything on the fact that mum died. and i'm a whiner.

when i'm supposed to be fine now.

i guess i must be weak or something. though my dad and sister aren't over it, either, the world thinks i'm some kind of whiner or a wuss. i don't know if mum and i were exceptionally close (which is completely possible, since i considered her my best friend), or if these people have never lost a parent, or if they did lose a parent, didn't care overmuch. yes, it's been nearly 6 months. according to the "rules" for bereavement, i should be fine by now, or within the next 6 months.

there was more i wanted to say, but i have to go to school.