carved angel

i suppose it's rather irresponsible of me to write a post about wanting to die, then not update all week. of course, by now my readers don't take it seriously - which they shouldn't - but still... i shouldn't write things like that anyway. i look back on those entries and feel stupid and immature.

i spent tuesday chatting with juchan on aol as we added to our wishlists. i added a bunch of stuff i eventually want for zoe, for her classic winnie the pooh nursery. if i could, i'd start collecting some of it now, coz it'll probably be "out" by the time she's born, and i rather have my heart set on a classic pooh nursery. and the great thing is, while it does have some pink and blue things, like blankets and bathsets, the rest of it is neutral, so it would be fine if i had a boy. (there is nothing wrong with winnie the pooh for a boy's nursery!) i won't direct you to my wishlist, but you should go here and look at some of it. kawaii! there is nothing like shopping for baby things to make you not want to kill yourself. i guess i'm more curious about what zoe's going to be like than what happened to mum.

which shadow and i had something of an argument about last night, but i'm not going to go into it. by the end of it, i just walked away, coz i was thisclose to helping him see for himself.

what prompted it all anyway is that we finally went to the buddhist film thingy at church last night. it's every wednesday, and i'm usually in class, but since class was canceled last night, we could go. we watched a couple videos about the dalai lama, then listened to the presenter for a bit. i'm afraid i've forgotten his name. and shadow asked a question about a news story he'd heard that day about a tibetan funeral and souls and stuff. so that's what we argued about on the way home. because i said it's stupid to think anyone knows what happens when we die. and shadow said he likes buddhism's explanation best, because it's the most based in science. and i pointed out that even buddhist sects couldn't agree on what happened, because no one freaking knows. i guess shadow thinks you just die and join the rest of the universe, and that it's all simply biological in that you stop breathing and your heart stops. and i said that, while i'm not sure about the concept of a soul, there is some spark of life that seems to leave someone when they die. i can't explain it here any better than i did last night, in that someone is just there, and then they're not. it's not a good explanation, but it's beyond me to describe. and i don't know how shadow can be such a know it all about it, since he's never seen anyone die, and i was holding my mother's hand when she died, and looking into her eyes.

i think that believing in anything too deeply is dangerous, because you cease looking for the truth, and if it were to present itself to you somehow, you'd ignore it. i am as open as i can be to whatever truths the universe chooses to reveal to me. i'm hoping also to try to seek these truths out with my church, since that's what uuism is about. which is why i think the way shadow sees buddhism is foolish. he says that buddhism is also a search for truth, and enlightenment, and that you cannot become attached to ideas and concepts. yet when i try to argue a point as i did last night, he is obviously attached to his concept of death, because he became frustrated and downright snotty during our debate. when i pointed that out to him, he said it was because i was asking the wrong questions. well, the way i see it, in the search for truth there are no "wrong questions." so while shadow believes he is also seeking the truth, in reality he has become attached to his concept of buddhism, and will only be able to progress within its confines.

anyway...

so our church is celebrating buddha's birthday on may 14. there will be a bunch of monks and nuns there, and i'm really looking forward to it.

omg "dalai lama" by rammstein just came on. how funny is that??

last night, after the videos, the presenter pointed out that a lot of people think the dalai lama is silly/stupid because of his demeanor. because he's cheerful doesn't mean he's stupid. i run into this myself all the time. i've asked before why people assume i'm stupid or a ditz because i smile or laugh a lot, and i'm not really much closer to an answer. but it's nice to know that i share a problem with the dalai lama. :blush:

there was yet more i was going to write about, like juchan's visit last weekend, but i woke up sore and it's not getting any better. my neck/right shoulder/upper back hurt like hell, and nothing's helping. the ibuprofen, it does nothing! or the massager, or the shower... gah.

and i have to go apply for grad school. :happy: