carved angel

it's official. i am deeply, deeply depressed. i have finally broken completely. i have snapped. i hate the world. i hate that my mother is dead and i will never see her again. i hate that my husband has something wrong with him where he's capable of doing hateful things to me - even if it's for a moment. i also hate that i'm fucked up, too. and i hate feeling obligated to do things. and i hate that so few people ever feel obligated to do anything for me. i hate school. i hate the prospect of getting a "real job" in a couple of months even more. i hate that i can't write for shit. i hate the fact that i ever thought i could. i hate that my life has been a total lie. i hate that i can't smoke. i hate that i'll die whether i smoke or not. i hate that i even want to smoke. i hate that anything i do will ultimately mean jack shit, and that everything i worry about and put effort into is a total waste of time.

and instead of being angry, i just feel frustrated and impotent. i want to just crawl into a hole somewhere and die. or reach into my chest, into my insides, and pull my heart out and stomp all over it and just diediediediedie...