carved angel

here's that post about my beliefs that i haven't actually tried to write until now. it doesn't really follow anything entirely, but it's been helpful to me. as a quick disclaimer, i don't claim to have a good grasp of any religion. this is less about religion and more about ideas. i don't attach myself to any religion, because i feel this would stop me from seeking the truth. i would become complacent in my belief, which i'm not comfortable with. so all i ask is that you don't comment saying, "that's not what buddhism says at all!" or anything along those lines. i just picked things up here and there, and put it all into a framework that makes sense to me. nothing i say necessarily represents any religion mentioned herein. okay?

okay.

so. after mum died, it forced me to begin seeking again. i'd been too busy or lazy to pursue it for some time. but i had the incredibly child-like need to understand where she went. i was on the verge of killing myself to find out, i was so desperate to know. which sounds silly now, but it was a very bad time for me. so many ideas were presented to me, in different ways, and it was the most frightening that helped me the most.

to understand where mum went, i first had to understand that the self is a lie. this was very difficult for me. it's hard to let go of your sense of self, after spending most of your life cultivating it. but there it was. jackie's self was gone. but she wasn't really gone. she's everywhere, just like she was before she died. or before her self had died, i should say. it all seemed so terrible at first, but it makes sense. and it brings me far more peace than the idea of heaven, which i'll go into more later on. at first, it seemed like mum was in this far away place, and i wouldn't get to see her again until i died, which could be a really long time. now i know that we're one and the same. and i don't miss her as much. i miss jackie's self, but what she always really was is right here. (i'll go into this in more depth later, too.)

it's incredibly liberating to lose your sense of self. like sohei (formerly known as shadow) says, you'd get sick of yourself after too long. i agree. and i think the idea of getting another go at things, with a new self, is really exciting. if i were a good buddhist, i'd be seeking enlightenment. it seems like the idea of enlightenment isn't the same to everyone, just like heaven, anyway. i, personally, don't think of it as some reward at the end of everything, like christianity. i also don't think you can find it living a monastic life. you're too separated from people, and you need reality to understand. at the same time, you cannot immerse yourself fully in the everyday, and allow it to distract you. it's all about balance.

anyway, i doubt i will ever completely lose my sense of self. it's not something i strive for. if it happens, it's something that will come to me in time. but now that i'm more aware of it, i am more capable of losing it. i used to be afraid of getting sick, and of dying. i am not afraid anymore. i no longer cling to this idea of self, and so no longer live my life in fear, as i did before. it is this belief that has finally allowed me to stop taking buspar, which i've been on for three years. i feel liberated now, from the medication, and from myself.

this lack of fear has allowed me to finally begin living my life. so many of my attachments and fears were holding me back. they just aren't there anymore, for the most part. and, if they are, at least i recognize them for what they are. i know that they exist, which helps. this isn't to say that i've become nihilistic. i'm not going to do stupid, dangerous things on purpose. i don't have an active desire to die, i'm just not as afraid of it as i once was. besides, happiness is found in balance, and bingeing on drugs or food or anything doesn't do any good. (of course, by the same token, deprivation is no good, either, but i've never really had a problem with that.)

so, because i have relinquished my sense of self as well as i am currently able, i have come to terms with not only mum's death, but death in general. it isn't something that happens because someone did something wrong. it isn't a punishment. there's nothing malevolent about it. it just is.

which brings me to my belief in god. i haven't any. i didn't stop believing to be impudent after mum died. it wasn't like i said, "well, you killed my mother, so i won't believe in you." i haven't really believed in a long time. i tried, for mum's sake, for a long time, to believe. i just don't. the way i see it, if there were a god, he must either be a jerk, or not nearly as powerful as everyone thinks he is. i don't believe he exists at all, though, so it's pretty much moot.

i do believe, however, that there is a touch of the "divine" in everyone, if you can call it that. everyone has the potential to be a buddha. (keep in mind, i'm not referring to one guy here.) which brings me to my tendril theory. it's pretty simplistic and crude, but i never claimed to be a brilliant philosopher. buddhism uses waves, i use tendrils. anyway... there is one massive "thing" of which we are all part. we are connected to this mass. not just people on earth, but all living things everywhere. each individual is just a tendril of this mass. when someone dies, their tendril disappears and becomes part of the mass once again. but a new one pops up somewhere else, in their place. so you can see why i no longer feel so depressed about mum. we're waves in the same ocean. we're tendrils rooted in the same mass. the jackie tendril is gone, but we're never really apart, because we're part of the same thing.

the hardest part of this to accept, as a human being, is that i am part of the same thing as people like dubya or charles manson or hitler. that i am mum is hitler is ghandi is manson, etc. we are all masks of the same god, so to speak. our lives are just moments of amusement in the vast existance of something we could only hope to understand.

which is why i'm having a great time being gish. life isn't always good, but without bad, you don't appreciate good. this is why there can be no heaven. there is no balance in heaven. but this means that you make your own heaven, here. with each event, you create your own heaven or hell. it's like that buddhist story where all these terrible things happen to this guy, but he keeps being thankful that it wasn't worse. if i break my left arm, at least it wasn't the arm i write with. if i break my right arm, at least it wasn't a leg, so i can walk. if i break my leg, at least i didn't lose it entirely. and so on.

it's also easier to make your own heaven when you don't take yourself or life too seriously. it's all transient, anyway. i think being a christian is too stressful. or any religion in which you only have one life to live, and your attachment to self is actively encouraged. i don't worry overmuch about what happens to this life, because it is fleeting. i would like to learn as much as possible while here, and find happiness in balance. but i know this isn't the only go i've got, and that's good to remember. less likely to become paralyzed by fear that way.

so now i've reached a really good place in life. when something terrible, like mum's death, happens, i can put it in perspective. by losing my sense of self, i lost a lot of attachments. i continue to recognize my desires and attachments for what they are, and cut them when i need to, or when i'm able. i rid myself of the things that cause my suffering. i'm not perfect, of course. i still get angry when someone does something stupid, like invades other countries for no good reason, or cuts me off in traffic. i still desire. but now i am more aware of these things, and their negative impact on my life. i am less likely to stay angry or hold a grudge. i avoid doing or feeling things that will cause suffering.

also, i'd like to point out that a lot of suffering comes from dwelling in the past, or pinning all your hopes on an unattainable future. past mistakes have helped you to become what you are. you learn from them. accept the past for what it is, take what you need from it, and move on. even if you dwell on the good parts of your past, you're letting present life pass you by. by the same token, focusing too much on the future can also be detrimental. people always tell themselves exactly what they expect from life, and inevitably end up disappointed. even if you manage to get what you wanted - most of the time, what all "normal" people want, like a spouse, house, kids, etc. - you still won't be happy. there will always be something just beyond your reach. if you approach life in a balanced way, by living in the present, you will not suffer from your past mistakes, or your desires for the future. take what life gives you and work with it. if you tell yourself "if only" too much, or "if i just had this, or if this would happen, i could be happy," then you're selling yourself and your life short. chances are, you'll never be rich. or find the right person. or have the kind of kids you want. if life gives something to you, however, without your expecting or demanding it, it is much sweeter than it would have been if you had spent most of your life chasing it down. by appreciating it more, you are less likely to drop it quickly in the search for the next thing you must have to be happy and find peace. cling to nothing, including ideas. life is ever-changing and transient.

enjoy the ride, while it lasts.