carved angel

if this is all the heaven i get, i'll gladly take it.

this long stretch of general happiness is due in part, of course, to sohei. :love: it's always nice when i go out of town for a while, coz i get all kinds of appreciated. this time around, he actually took the day off the friday i left, which was pretty nice. and we've been having a decent time of it since i got home. i didn't get yelled at for any of my purchases or anything. :shocked: since i tend to complain about him sometimes on here, i thought i should mention when he's good, too. you know, to balance things out. :wink: but not too much, coz that sort of thing is just disgusting.

and my happiness goes beyond sohei, anyway. and school and everything. i think that part of the reason for my general sense of well-being has to do with the aftermath of mum's death. i'm obviously not glad she's gone. but maybe i'm a tiny bit proud of myself for not completely losing it or killing myself. sure, you say, people lose loved ones every day and get through it eventually. but a year ago, i had a hard time coping with the smallest of problems. and even when i didn't have problems, i would make them up in the form of imagined illnesses and stuff.

but i've done a lot of growing in the past year. i'm still of the opinion that, upon witnessing mum's death, i grew ten years in about ten seconds. or, more realistically, in the span of that week. i am essentially the same person i've always been, but just more able to, well, cope. i went through, what i considered, at the time, one of the worst things that could ever happen. and i got through it somehow. i still miss her, of course. the other night, after watching that movie with joan allen, i cried a little in the car on the way home. she just looked so much like mum, i almost got weepy while watching her. (i know it sounds terrible, since the character was supposed to be something of a bitch, but the look she was giving her daughter's boyfriend was so similar, it was unbelievable. i felt silly making the comparison, but sohei actually pointed it out before i did.) maybe the best way to describe it is, i feel invincible. like i can make it through anything. i lost my mother, and my best friend. and while it hurts that she's gone, my life didn't end there. it really felt like it would, for a while, but it didn't. in part, because i know she wouldn't have wanted it to.

i think i've been off buspar since june. i really should have kept better track of when i quit taking it. but it's been about two months. i'm proud of that, too. i thought it would be something i'd be dependent on for the rest of my life. it's not like life has been perfect since i quit taking it, either. i've just learned not to let things bother me. and since i'm less afraid of death, the hypochondria is no longer a problem.

so i just feel beautiful and unafraid and lovely and invincible. i know that bad things will happen to me. i know that someday, something will happen that makes mum's death pale in comparison. but at least i don't feel like i'm at the mercy of that, of my fear, anymore. i feel like i have some answers now, to help me get through the bad times. that things just happen, and not because i necessarily did anything wrong. but when i have done something wrong, i need to own up to it, and quit pawning my problems off on others, or some unseen entity or vague idea. i can't begin to solve my problems unless i realize what the source is, even if it's me. and i need to accept that sometimes things just are. i feel like i can do that now. at least, better than i could a year ago. every second, something changes, making me a new person. i need to decide who i want to be in that moment. and, lately, i've decided i want to be happy. i want to create heaven for myself, without ignoring the bad things going on in the world. it's all such a fine line, but i'm learning to walk it, i think.

but enough navel-gazing or whatever. my mother-in-law is possibly taking me to the museum of fine arts tomorrow, to see the meiji era exhibit (i am really, seriously excited about this), and i have to clean up around here. which is why i've been posting so much, and not talking to anyone. if she doesn't take me tomorrow, we'll go next weekend, but it's better to be safe than sorry regarding the house. maybe i should email w-sensei about the exhibit, coz i sure didn't know about it...

oh, and a happy birthday to birdy, whether he likes it or not. what is up with all the august birthdays? :confused: a lot of my old friends had birthdays in august, too. in fact, i know at least three people that have birthdays on august 8. hum.