carved angel

things have been pretty sucktastic lately, hence the silence. i went to the class meeting on saturday, and learned that, to be an academic librarian -- which was what i wanted to do -- you have to have not only a masters in library science, but a masters or phd in another subject. i don't even know how i'm going to be able to finish this degree, let alone another one. i just can't. i've already been in school so long, and everyone's been in this huge hurry for me to finish, since i went back in '04. i had suspected this might be the case, but couldn't believe someone would have to have so much schooling to help students research papers, and write articles and stuff. so now i'm at a loss. there are other job options, of course, but i'm really upset that i won't be able to do what i wanted to do. i assume this will work out somehow, but i can't help but be a little depressed. since i've already paid for this semester, i'll finish it, but i don't know what to do at this point.

this always happens to me. i always pick the wrong thing to study. in middle school, i wanted to be in band, but was talked out of it by the guidance office and mum. mistake. then, when i dual-enrolled at sfcc, i either wanted to do the legal or mechanic program. but noooo. everyone told me that medical transcriptionists were in high demand. so i completed the transcription program. did i ever get a job as a transcriptionist? no. i couldn't even get a decent office job. so there was two years of work down the drain. then i decided to major in english literature, with the understanding that i'd be going on to get my library degree. because i know i can't do a damn thing with that degree on its own. nothing i'd want to spend my life doing, anyway. before mum died, she promised my schooling would be paid for, because she knew (for reasons that will remain unknown to you for now, dear readers) that i'd never finish otherwise. so she's gone now, and so is my school money. not that it matters anyway, because i won't be able to do what i want to do with this degree, either.

so now i'm completely lost again. maybe i'll just quit school after this semester and work til i can figure out what the fuck i'm going to do. here's betting that i'll never get to go back.

on top of that, the situation with dad seems to continue to get worse. i tried to write about this the other night, but i couldn't get my feelings across in the right way. growing up, when he was actually around, we were kind of friends. after mum died, though, he's been kind of nasty to me at times. i've been made to feel like a burden or something. even though he doesn't support me at all anymore. and now that rosemary is living with him, he doesn't call. i'm hoping this is some kind of temporary thing, and that we'll all settle into some kind of routine after a while. but what it feels like is that dad has found a family he actually likes, and my sister and i can just fuck right off. if he hadn't been acting so resentful toward us before this, i would probably be more mature about this. in fact, i was thrilled that he found someone, and isn't alone anymore. but i can't help but feel weirded out. it's like juchan and i can't do anything right. i'm too excited and too nosy, and juchan isn't excited enough, and doesn't ask enough questions. so i figure i'm just going to back off and see what happens. he doesn't remember anything i talk to him about, anyway.

i try to be happy, but i'm having a real hard time with that right now. i need to talk to mum. really badly. she could always help me figure things out regarding school and stuff. i never felt as hopeless after talking to her. it's times like this when i feel really alone.

oh, and it's looking like i won't be fostering a hurricane animal, either, since no one ever got back to me. it seems like they all found temporary homes, though, so that's good. then we were going to adopt a puppy (permanently) but we went to both shelters in town, and there were none. i suppose it's just as well, as far as neko is concerned.

i just hope something goes right soon, coz i haven't been this unhappy in a while.